Healthy and well in my soul

We’ve been homeschooling “officially” for five years now. And this year I experienced burn out in a way that I never had before. It seemed to go on and on; and my thoughts of sending the kids to public school crossed my mind often as I felt tired and sick more than I have felt well. Nevertheless we powered through and had times of saturated, richly explored homeschooling. Then we had days when I did the bare minimum and let the boys explore the world on their own, whether it be in our backyard or at the zoo. As we completed our most recent set of materials and technically finished what some would call a school year, I decided to do whatever was needed in order to become refreshed and renewed in my life’s work, homeschooling.

This works best when I do three special things…

It’s so important to spend time with other women who homeschool and with moms who share similar values. We are not meant to be alone in our work. We are not meant to do life alone in general. Everyone’s social needs are different and even introverts, like me, need to bite the bullet, get out there, and be social. Homeschooling kids need to learn to socialize outside of the parameters of just family and errands, but this post is more specific to moms and dads. As a homeschooling parent we have to work a little harder at getting out and meeting others. We moved to the middle of the country last year and the only people I knew were my in-laws. Then a met a nice family down the road who had similar values and children the same age as mine. But they moved and we were alone again. So I began signing the kids up for homeschooling classes all over town. And at one of those classes I met a mom who told me all about an online group for Kansas City moms to meet and make plans for getting together. And that became my lifeline to other people. We tried the great big church down the road, but the kids got lost in the shuffle and although they had fun, they weren’t making friends. The online group sure has become very precious to me. This aspect of our homeschool is very important.

Each year I broaden my collection of books written specifically for homeschooling parents. Most of what I read comes from teachers like Ruth Beechick, Susan Bauer, John Holt and most recently, Sandra Dodd. I also subscribe to many of the homeschooling magazines available because the library only carries one or two titles and they never seem to have any available for checkout. I don’t have much time to read them throughout the year so I have a stacked pile by the time I get around to recharging my battery. Years ago I graduated from pharmacy technician school. If I had used my training and gotten a job within a hospital I would have needed to take a fair amount of classes each year to maintain my title and to stay certified. I would need to keep up on current medications, pharmacy practices, and updated methods. I take homeschooling very seriously and choose to look at this job through the same lens. This year as I revive and renew my craft, I have taken out my home-made homeschool bible and my binders (I am totally a binder girl and have one for every single aspect of my life; health, mom stuff, teacher stuff- the last two overlap quite a bit as it’s hard to separate them) and I begin adding new inspiration and information. In a composition book goes all the new ideas and practical advice and lessons I want to remember. Sometimes those ideas even inspire blogs throughout the year. There is much to learn from other voices in the homeschooling community. There are those who have dedicated their lives (I’m talkin’ decades here) to education and raising children to become intelligent, successful, and the absolute ”best” versions of themselves. I am so grateful that they choose to share their years of experience, wisdom and understanding with moms like me. It is uplifting and energizing to read these books and update my knowledge in teaching my children.

Finally, I am taking some time to appreciate what I have been given. That is, a shared portion of a life in Christ. None of us are in this thing called life all alone. In addition to support from friends and family, we have the unconditional, unbreakable connection to the Lord. We have a God who insists that our worries are not necessary. He has our children in His hands and He will take care of our families. What is my ultimate goal as a mother? To raise children to be happy, independent, and to know the peace that transcends all understanding. The Lord is doing a work in them and I don’t want to interrupt Him. I want to peacefully come alongside my children and raise them with love and guidance. I want to look for ways to empower them. I want to find ways to give them choices while keeping them safe and protected. We are a team with our children, but Chris and I are the more experience members of the team so it’s our job to keep them within the bounds of what they can handle. It’s a large responsibility, but the Lord is my strength. My faith is being tested right now as I am tired of feeling sick. I am tired of my medicines and my appointments, and I am ready to be healthy and well. Last night I was beside myself worrying about another serious  health issue rearing its ugly head… another post when I know more. I was getting myself all worked up and began feeling truly scared. And I chose to hand those worries over to the Lord and I am much better today. I know that I may still have problems, but I can’t heal myself. I can’t force a doctor to heal me today. All I can do is take the necessary steps to move forward in being proactive in my health, and the rest is up to the Lord. And I am at peace and I accept whatever the future has in store for us. That beautiful feeling of losing control and letting the Lord take it… I hope my kids can find that one day. And they will only know that if they know Him.

As I take this time to care for myself and learn more about who I am as a homeschooling mom and what I can give my children this year, I understand that taking time for myself is giving them a great gift. When I am healthy and well in my soul, my kids will benefit just as much as I do.

Thank you for reading.

Love,

Jackie

The Power of the Tongue

Man, when I look back at some of the things I wrote years ago, a year ago, and even months ago, I can see that I know so little. No matter how much I learn there is always more that I don’t know. And I am aware of the fact that I am only human, but I am anointed by the Lord, for the Lord, and if anything good comes out of my fingertips it is from Him.

Unfortunately, I am faced with the truth that not everything I have been taught was real. And I hung on each word from my teacher as it came from the Lord Himself. And now, when I read the new teaching I am upset, confused, and feel betrayed. I distinctly remember being taught X,Y, and Z and I have my journal with the notes in it that reflect the teachings. And now when I go back and look at some of the new updated teaching it completely betrays the words I clung to so tightly. Humans make mistakes. Teachers make mistakes. They are no more anointed than you and I are. I listened to mentors and teachers who held authority because they knew so much and they spoke with wisdom. They claimed to have this knowledge from the Lord. And I believed them. Now I read the updated revised versions of my important teachings and the teacher is writing something different. And it discredits everything. Not because he made a mistake… I love when leaders make mistakes and share their weakness and their dependence on the Lord. It makes me love the Lord even more. But when no mention is made of their faulty teaching and leaders just change things, important facts, I don’t know what to believe. And I don’t know who to trust. Because I thought I was trusting the Lord in this person.

It’s important and a wonderful gift to hear from the Lord and to share the wisdom, yet not many are willing to admit when they make mistakes. For wide-eyed, trusting, and teachable Christians like many of us are, this just makes me so sad. I wanted to believe that there was some shred of truth left to all of the teaching I held on to so tightly, but without humility and admittance that a mistake was made, how do I know what to believe? How do I know what’s real? Is it what was taught before, or what it was changed into now? Why was it changed? Is saving face more important than admitting we are human and we are wrong sometimes? Is it easier to change the truth than to keep it the same? That’s why I like the Bible. It doesn’t change just because some of its teachings gets questioned. It stands firm in the midst of doubt, of people pleasing or lack thereof, and controversy.

Here’s what I learned today. Instead of being so incredibly disappointed in the false credibility I gave a leader, a mentor, and a person in a position of power and trust, I am going to learn from the mistakes. Anyone in a position of authority, whether it be a leader in the community, ministry, church, or author, will make mistakes. I knew that and it doesn’t bother me at all. But when foundational statements and answered questions are completely changed, I want to know why. Why are important matters that I began to build my life on because I was told this was the way to do “it” in Christ, why are those things now different? Any shred of credibility is gone. And no explanation, apology, or even acknowledgement that the previous teaching hurt people and took others years to come back from. No accountability from a teacher is disheartening. Just be honest and humble. And if something changes, if the Lord has shown His child something new, know that people are relying on the honesty and the transparency when they give trust to a leader and a teacher. If the Lord truly does give me a special word or message, that shouldn’t change just because I need to please a different group of people. That goes the same for a leader and a teacher. I learned that when I rely on the teaching of anyone other than Christ or the Bible, I risk being led astray.

When the words of a man are called into question, their character is revealed just a little. What if the person won’t even acknowledge that they taught X,Y, and Z? What if they name call all those who have been hurt, left needing an explanation? Do we accept complete denial and total ignorance when facts get changed on us? I guess sometimes we just have to. Maybe, just maybe, reading what others were saying helps these men in authority see their teaching in a new light and change it to prevent confusing or hurting more people.

About five years ago my husband and I led a small group at our church. We became very close with the couples in that group and still maintain friendships with them today, although from very far away now. Anyway, one of the couples in our group who happened to be extremely mature in the Lord became like mentors to us. They gave us a gift. A book called Celebration of Discipline, by Richard Foster. I highly recommend this book as I have come back to it every few years to reread the whole thing. I have shared this book with many friends along the way, and am going to do the same with you right now.

This book encourages the Christian to let Christ dwell in his heart richly as we teach and admonish one another in all wisdom. This book encourages corporate guidance, in an organic sense. One of the main things this book did for me was to explain that there is a discipline to my spiritual life. There is balance within the Lord, between the work the Lord does in me and the level of discipline I want to attain. I tried bringing this up about a couple of years ago at a women’s retreat and it was not taken well. I talked about relevant information from this author in response to a conversation we were having. Our group had a list of recommended reading and this book was not on the list. But at times the Bible itself wasn’t on that list, although the damage control strongly has recanted any such suggestions. Now that these recommendations have come into question I see that not only are the teachings mysteriously changing, but I was told the very book I was encouraged to stop talking about, Celebration of Discipline, is being quoted. This book has a few disciplines which seriously contradict the teachings of my former group so it’s nice to see that eyes are being opened. Amen, it’s an amazing book and I would hope that every Christ loving person would get to read it at least once. As for the book list, it is good. But we were encouraged not to read anything outside of it for fear of slipping into old habits. And we were really encouraged to read the books on the list and strongly encouraged to buy many of them. I have a story about that, but I’ll leave it out for now. I am so over the cult-like mentality. There are a few members in the group who are friendly and not drinking the kool-aid and they keep the group from being a full-blown cult. I hope the others recognize these people for how wonderful and free they are. And I have protected the anonymity of the group for them. Because they are my friends and I protect my friends.

At the heart of God is a desire to forgive. Love, not anger, brought Jesus to the cross. Confessions and forgiveness are the realities that transform us. Not wisdom and not being right. I was hurt when I saw that someone I had looked up to for so long offered no explanation as to why he changed some of the “foundational” truths I had built my life on for two years. I forgive him although he doesn’t ask for it or even admit that what he taught my family hurt us. I forgive him because I’ve done worse and I’ve been forgiven. I forgive him because the Love of Christ is stronger than the need to get angry with this person. And when I forgive, those years are no longer wasted, as I have considered them just that, but rather they have taught me the true meaning of love and forgiveness. I love who the members of my former group are at the core… people who love the Lord and want to know His heart, just like me.

I will leave you with this (from the Celebration of Discipline)…

The confession of evil works is the first beginning of good works. ~ Augustine of Hippo

…and more importantly…

Regardless of how it’s done, the aim is to center the attention of the body, the emotions, the mind, and the spirit upon “the glory of God in the face of Christ.”

That’s all folks… to center it all on the face of Christ. Not on ourselves.

Thank you for reading.

Love,

Jackie

Grandpop

Grief is an unpredictable emotion. My grandpop died yesterday. Some people don’t believe we go anywhere when we die, but I think we go somewhere. I don’t believe our candle is just snuffed out, I think we get to go to a place called heaven. Either way, for those left behind, the sadness can be overwhelming.

Growing up I got to have three grandmoms and two grandpops. I was a lucky kid One was “Grandpop” and one was “Pap pap”. Pap pap lived in Oklahoma so even though I felt close to him I didn’t get to see him all that much. My grandpop lived near me all my life. Both in Florida and in New Jersey. I spent a lot of time as a kid at their house, especially holidays. I was very lucky to have him and his wife, my grandmom, in my life. He worked with my Dad and uncle and now my brothers are in on the family business. He helped build the life I have.

My grandpop lived a full life. He was 77 (I think) and still very sharp and lucid. He was truly not afraid of death. I admire that. He was very, very brave in that he was strong even in death. So why am I so sad? Why can’t I stop crying? I am going to miss my grandpop. My oldest is about as upset as I am and he refuses to talk right now. He carries around a mini chalk board to write down anything he needs to “say”. He is old enough to understand that this is an emotional thing. He just doesn’t know what to do with those emotions, so he’s not talking. My heart breaks for him. I know he really loved my grandpop and figured he would be around forever.

Last night I had to get out of the house. I needed a good loud cry and I didn’t want to upset my family. So on my way to Starbucks I took some back roads, rolled down the windows, and just screamed. And cried. And did the heavy sobbing that was needed when someone I love dies. And I know that my grandpop was ready to go, but I didn’t realize how much he meant to me until he was gone.

He isn’t suffering and I am so grateful for that. He was in pain and he lived that way for months, and so I am glad that is over. But there are only a few people in the world who know me and everything about me and still love me as if I were an innocent child. And my grandpop was one of those people. He knew about most of my bad choices, yet loved me as if I were that same four year old girl jumping up to give him a hug while he took post at his recliner. I think I got my coffee addiction from him. He used to make his Dunkin’ Doughnuts run each night (before Starbucks was the place to go). We share the love of all the same foods and often my house will smell like theirs did as I cook Italian and chili often. He saw the good in my husband and told me I married a good man as he forgave the mistakes that we all made. I am glad I made him proud, I am glad he chose me. That was the best part about him. I wasn’t “biologically” his, but he chose me. I never remember a time without him as I was very little when my parents married and I got a whole new set of grandparents. He never withheld any love from me just because I was born before my mom met his son.

My grandpop is very special to me. I love him so much. And although this is what he wanted- it was his time to go- I am selfishly sad. I can’t stop grieving and I won’t ever stop missing him. A lot of people will.

I woke up this morning and everything felt different. He’s not here. My Dad’s dad is not here and I just hate it. I selfishly hate it.

Like I wrote earlier, I believe we have something eternal inside of us. I know my grandpop is somewhere good right now. I know that I am going to that same place and I will get to see him again. I hope he watches down on us when he can. I love you grandpop and these tears are for you, my strong, loving, old-school, “one of the last good ones” kind of guy. I am so glad your suffering is over. I am so glad you are in a better place today than you were yesterday morning. I hope you knew how much I love you. I’ll tell you a few more times I’m sure.

Thanks for reading.

Love,

Jackie

Making a Diagnosis

Everyone has an opinion these days. I am aware that the statement includes me, so I am not blaming here. But it can be frustrating when trying to tell a doctor what I am going through. Nurses are generally pretty understanding and often times I wish the person handling my test results and diagnosis was my nurse. But it’s not. It’s a doctor who only has a few moments with each patient. One exception is my primary care doctor, Dr. Jordan. He’s the most thorough, gentle, and patient man and doctor I’ve had in a long time. I am his biggest fan. He found my cancer because he didn’t give up and because he didn’t ignore what I said just because I sounded like an idiot sometimes. Seriously, I went into his office after coughing up blood and having some trouble breathing and I told him I thought I had lung cancer. And I must have sounded like a fool. But he checked, and checked, and checked and finally found the reason for my symptoms and sent me to the best thyroidectomy surgeon in town. My parents read the pathology report and informed me I had Hashimoto’s disease too, which goes increases the chances of getting thyroid cancer. It’s an autoimmune disorder in which my body attacks my thyroid. Nice huh, my body attacked one of its own organs. Anyway, I have never had a doctor who listened to me and put up with me as much as that dear, sweet man from heaven, and his nurse April.

The doctor who delivered my babies in Jacksonville had a similar bedside manner. He spent as much time with me as needed for me to talk to him about my concerns and for him to explain about what was going on in my body. I never left his office feeling “unheard” or like he didn’t understand what I was trying to tell him. I always left with hope that we would find the cause of my symptoms, no matter how small they must have seemed to him. Because there are problems that impact and impair my life, but to a doctor who deals with things like ruptured ectopic pregnancies, my extra tissue growth that is hurting my abdomen must make me seem like a big baby.

Me and Chris decided that this would be our year of health late last year when deciding whether or not to change how our health insurance works. We decided that this year we would go for it and work hard to get healthy and healed in every way physically possible. A couple of years ago I was handed a painful diagnosis and put on a long-term medication for it. But after getting some CT scans and ultrasounds, and after doing months of online research and reading as much as I can from the library about the female organs and the digestive system, I no longer accept that I need to live the rest of my life in pain or on this medicine. But trying to find a doctor who will do the necessary work to check is very hard. Why? Because my case is complicated. I have a mesh sling. And with all the bad press around that no one wants to touch me, literally. I went to a urologist and he scoped inside the bladder, but didn’t want to check the outside. He handed me two more painful permanent “diagnosis” and gave me a list of ways, including physical therapy and medication, to help with the pain. I left feeling unheard and frustrated. And I felt like he didn’t take the time to check outside of my bladder, where all of my problems have always been. I would like someone to check my abdomen. I would like somebody t tell me that the problem is or that it’s not my adhesions, or endometriosis, or my sling and it’s placement, or the free standing fluid in it, or the constant cysts on my ovaries, or the scar tissue that’s wrapped itself around my intestines that is causing my pain. Yesterday I had a test that showed the tissue around my bowels. And the doctor, who was not a gynecologist didn’t seem too worried about it. Hence, this blog.

The only way to diagnose and remove adhesions is with laparoscopic surgery, which is super minimally invasive. It’s not a permanent cure, but it could give me several years of relief. But I know a woman on Hystersisters (an online support group for women with hysterectomies- I joined right before mine) had her adhesions and endo removed in 2005 (years after her hysterectomy) and is still pain free! That gives me hope!

Tomorrow I visit a gynecologist and I am hoping that he can help me. The only thing is that I am unsure of how to go about telling him about my body and what I know so far. I have read articles about how to talk to a doctor and they definitely don’t like when patients tell them how to do their jobs. So I figure I will have a list, sort of like a timeline. And I will go through the list of what happened, when it happened, and the diagnosis I received with each x-ray, ultrasound, CT scan, and surgery. And I hope that he will choose to scope my body and see for sure what is going on in there and either confirm or deny that I have scar tissue choking my bowels and wrapping themselves around the mesh sling and other things. Because that’s what all of my reports have collectively pointed towards. All from different doctors. I hope having one doctor look at all of them will help him put together a treatable issue. Because I am 32 and I will not live the rest of my life in pain, or on pain medication. And I will search until I find a doctor who can help me find a solution.

If I am wrong I will be the first to admit it, but I am 99.9% sure that it’s scar tissue and/or endometriosis making me miserable in the abdomen. I am thankful for online support groups like Hystersisters. So many other women have felt frustrated like me, and many others have found relief after getting the adhesions removed, if even only for a few years. Surgery causes scar tissue so more surgery could make it worse down the line, but I just want a few more good years, without this horrible sharp, stabbing pain in my hips and a bowling-ball-in-my-pelvis-type pain.

Also, I am radioactive right now. I am allowed to kiss and hug my kids, but not for more than a few seconds because of the radioactive iodine spreading through my lymph nodes. Tomorrow I get the scan that will let me know if the thyroid cancer cells metastasized (spread) through the nodes. My family back in Florida thinks its pretty funny that I eat super healthy and live as organically as possible, yet I am the most toxic of all of us right now. As soon as this is all over and my issues are properly diagnosed and treated, I will be cleansing my body like crazy and getting back to my former healthful self. I have wanted to be a holistic health practitioner for years now and have a school in mind. I can do most of my training online and have already started taking some advanced high school anatomy and physiology classes to prepare. This experience made me feel like I was no longer qualified, but I was wrong. Sometimes medicine, the kind we get at a pharmacy, is needed. And now I can understand that without judgement. I believe that eastern and western medicine go hand in hand and this experience has shown me just how much. Nothing is wasted in life.

Have a wonderful day friends. And I’ll keep you all updated on my appointment tomorrow… I am praying for the doctor and his staff all day long today.

Love,

Jackie

Continually Changing, Forever Unchanging

I am happy. Deep down in my soul I am happy. On Tuesday it will be three weeks since my surgery and the hormone replacement therapy has been doing its job even though technically it takes about six weeks to stabilize. Yesterday I was running some errands and listening to music that speaks to my heart, while I felt a lot of love for people. In general. And I thought about my words, the ones I say and the ones I write, and I know that no matter what I say someone isn’t going to be happy. But I need to be true to myself and what I know is right. And that made me happy because I have been a people pleaser my whole life and I’m not one anymore. I’ll stand before Someone and have to answer for my words and my actions. I have been forgiven and I will always be grateful for my life in Him and that I won’t have to “pay” for what I’ve done. I just want to please the Lord because I love Him and the Holy Spirit in me wants that too. And so I love and love and love… and that is pleasing to Him.

Religion is a set of rules. Religion doesn’t love people. Religion doesn’t release me from giving all I have to Christ and letting go of what I want in favor of what He wants. Christianity isn’t freedom from love and loving others; it’s freedom from darkness, freedom from guilt and condemnation, and freedom from having to do things just because others want me to do them. There’s probably a lot more, but I don’t claim to know everything so that’s what I’ve got. Oh, I guess that’s one more… religion to me is thinking that I know everything and trying to tell others what to do; freedom is admitting that I only know the Lord. I am weary of those who have all the answers. And I have been that person before so I know how easy it is to fall into that trap.

Last night I told Chris I wanted to go to church today, but I this morning I decided not to go. Instead we got a little extra sleep and watched the Disney channel together with the kids. And I don’t feel guilt or shame over it. I may hit up a meeting tonight… a recovery type meeting, but maybe I’ll end up spending time with my husband. Tuesday I am going to meet with a group of women who have faith similar to mine, i.e. Christian women’s group. I am happy because I am living my life and I am forging ahead with getting to know others and community is building itself around us. There are some things coming up and I am normally too anxious to attend, but I am ready for life. We have lived here a year and in that time I have hurt, healed, and am beginning to find a happy medium of community and life. For now. Life is continually changing so I know it won’t last forever, but hopefully that valleys and peaks are never too much to bear.

What I’m expressing here is that life is organic. It doesn’t need to look like any specific set of rules because nothing is a perfect fit for everyone. My life is no longer about pleasing everyone rather than loving everyone. The two are very different. And I am very happy. And I am sure that will change. But no matter what Jesus won’t change, and I am no longer ruled by other people’s rules, only the Love that is in and through Jesus Christ.

This coming week I get a battery of tests and exams done on me, but no results until the week after. So it will be a rough week for my physical body, but my mind is strong as we speak. I know who I am and it’s not dependent on who I know and who I am friends with or “Brothers/Sisters” with, on what I stand for, or anything else. My emotions and moods are not ruled by my health or lack thereof. I am not a label. I know who I am because of my Truth right now… all I want to do is abide in the Lord and I am very happy in here.

Have a wonderful week and hopefully I’ll get to post here and there between doctor appointments and homeschooling. Maybe I’ll even get to take and post some pictures.

Love,

Jackie

Homeschool Bible

Technically the kids are done with the official school year, but we are doing a lot of things to keeps their minds sharp. The crazy weather this year has really thrown us for a loop so we haven’t done all the field trips I had planned. It snowed yesterday, seriously, it snowed in May. We have not planted our garden yet, but it is dug up and ready to go. Chris dug it up while I recovered from surgery so me and the kids could prepare the soil. It done nothing but rain or snow since. So they get a lot of outdoor play time and explore-time, but we haven’t planted our seedlings yet. Other things we are doing in “summer school” include reading books we didn’t get to during the year. And we are also doing some extra practice in the areas each boy struggled with this year. One of my favorite school break resources has been a book and journal, both called, Who is God? published by Apologia Ministries. We have yet to find a devotional book that reaches all of us and inspires discussion like this book does. In August we’ll have more of a missional focus as we work through a year of My Father’s World: ECC so I am going to get as much out of this book as I can before that and then save the rest for next spring/summer break. In July we will take a few weeks to travel and rest and do absolutely no academics.

We have a lot of flexibility in our homeschool. Sometimes when we are getting stuck in a rut and truly beginning to dread our work, we shake it up and do something completely different. For the last several years I have pieced together our homeschool using one company for language arts, and another as a supplement, and piecing the two together to make one complete program; and then another company altogether for math. Our science and reading come from unit studies and follow our children’s interests. I am a big fan of tailor-made homeschool and I am happy with our accomplishments, but sometimes flexibility slowly leads to chaos. And then I find myself all over the place. And that’s when I go back to the source…

At the center, and the beginning, and hopefully at the end of our homeschool is the Holy Spirit and in Him, a plan and a goal. We are learning what type of person we want to be in Christ, hearers and doers of the Word. We have a very strong conviction to raise our kids in a way that homeschooling fit into perfectly. We could not raise our children the way the Lord has impressed on our hearts to raise them should we send them to school. If that changes, if I ever become too sick to homeschool or a tragedy happens and I just can’t do it, then I will take advantage of the public school system, but so far that has not been something we’ve needed to do.

In my own life, I recently went through a very similar situation. In heading along on the journey of life and faith, I got a little lost and it felt chaotic. I didn’t know what was true or real anymore and turning to the Lord and the Bible was just what I needed to find my way again. And because the Lord has full access and is the Captain of our homeschool, I submit to His plan when times of chaos or disorientation hit. But there is no bible for homeschoolers… because we are all so different with different styles and values. And our goals are very different. Unlike Christianity, where there is One Truth, homeschoolers have all sorts of goals and reasons.

When I spend time with the Lord and He begins pressing on my heart matters of homeschooling, I take note. Literally, I write the notes down. I like to have a clear statement of goals and direction written down so when it begins to feel like we are all over the place I can refer back to it. And it took about 2 years to find this. In the beginning we didn’t have a philosophy, other than the Lord is the Master of our lives, including the biggest part of our day- homeschooling. And I knew I could provide a solid and above average education for my kindergartener. Since then we have learned so much and added to the list. Here are just some of the important statements we’ve added to our family homeschool “bible.”

~Learning can be fun and we want it to be fun, but not at the expense of their education. My job is not to make life fun for them, but to prepare them for the future. Therefore, we do not give up just because something is hard. We do not move on if a new skill is not mastered and we do the necessary things, even if they seem boring. They are to be prepared for whatever the Lord has in store for them.

~Parts of history, science, math, and language arts are not separated and when I begin to separate them, they are not learned in the context in which they’ll one day be used in real life. For example, writing lessons just for the sake of writing do not work for us. We write when we have something we need to express on paper.

~Two important things I want to remember but often forget are…1) no curriculum matters as much as time together does, When we read together, it is such a precious time. It has become part of our philosophy, to do as much as we can together. 2)Expose the kids to as many different sports, cultures, and skills as time allows and let them decide what they choose to master. They do need to be exposed to these things, but ultimately they decide what they love to do. I had my chance to play the clarinet and to play basketball. Now it’s their turn.

Those are just a few of the many things we’ve learned about ourselves. Assembling these in one place, like a composition book, along with helpful and timely hints from homeschooling pioneers and seasons homeschoolers with kids in college or ministry is like a hs bible. It is to me as a teacher, like a Bible is to me as a Christian.

Thanks for reading and have a wonderful weekend.

Love,

Jackie

write it out…

Finally a week without doctor’s appointments. It’s been a while since I’ve had one of those. I would like to dispel some myths this morning. The biggest one, and maybe the only important one is that it’s okay to sever the Body of Christ. When we choose sides, set up camps, begin defending only one man and not defending Peace itself, we lose sight of what Christ wants. He wants us to have love for each other, help each other. Should a man be found guilty of causing discord, we should help that man, not attack him. And I think that is a sign of a mature Christian. I often get little smarmy zingers thrown my way… never to my face of course… because I am honest about the fact that no group or church is perfect. And going even further than that, some groups need serious help in the form of a compass to direct them back to the straight arrow that is the Lord, the Word, God, and the Holy Spirit within. I have been very open about the fact that for two years I was led astray. I don’t blame anyone but myself. I chose to let go of the Bible because, well, the first Christians didn’t have one, so why do we need it? We need it because without it we become naval gazers who make Christianity look like what we want it to look like. I knew that and I chose to believe that the Bible was not relevant after a teacher taught it to me.

I chose to participate in secrecy. I thought I would betray my fellow Christians if I stayed secretive about what I did wrong, but now that I am out I see how sick I was in the head for believing these things. An example I can give without betraying those I knew personally is this… a man in the church chose to share about how he was called to a home late one night because the parents had found out the older sibling was sexually abusing the younger sibling. They “handled” it that night without calling the police and “ruining” this young sexual predators’ life and he was able to know the Lord through it and no one was harmed. As an abuse survivor myself I should have been appalled immediately, but we were taught to hang on every word as if it came from God Himself. When someone spoke, we were to assume it was the Holy Spirit. I am glad the abuser found forgiveness, but what about the damage done to the little girl? This boy who abused her needed professional help and the girl did too. And the secrecy within the group to protect him is sickening to me. This was told to our group, but did not happen in our group. Had someone abused one of my children, they would be forgiven, but they would also be in jail or a lock down hospital where they couldn’t hurt more children. Sexual predators don’t just change with a prayer. At the time I saw nothing wrong with this… and I have three little boys.

I added some links on the right side of the page for those coming out of a certain type of church. Not organic church, because I strongly believe in organic church and prefer it over institutional church. But there is a dangerous group within the organic church community teaching half-truths. And the links are helpful if you are coming out of a cult. Also, if you are coming out of the institution and want to be a part of an organic church, these are excellent resources that will steer you towards a healthy organic church life. I wish I had read them before our organic church journey began. My personal favorite is the story told by a man in the link The Familyhood Church. It has helped me release the fear I had of telling my story and I have laid down my shame in taking part of many unbiblical practices. Also, What Are The Characteristics of a Religious Cult? is informative and the resources are reliable and unbiased.

When I read a lot of the characteristics I realized that in our group we had adopted a language that disguised many of these traits, but when the rubber meets the road, we were doing the things on the list. I can only speak for the women in the group as I got to know many of them very well, but it was often said that what we were doing was what the Lord wanted for His people. We still love our Brothers and Sisters in the institution, but they are living for Christ instead of in Christ. In the sisterhood we did take on a superior attitude. We rarely helped others outside of ourselves. When I wanted to build a homeschool group that included people outside our group, certain women said no, we want it to stay in our group. “We have everything we need in our group, including counselors.” But the counsel was dangerous and a man even ended up going off his meds and becoming suicidal after following the counsel of brothers. When we were finally in a season to help others in the community, we drug our feet. We were very self focused. It was one of the reasons we left… I saw myself for what I had become. Full of Christ, but not doing anyone outside our group much service. And not doing anyone in the group much service as I could not get behind some of the “twelve truths”, making me a troublemaker.

Leader worship kinda’ fits in with another trait… discouraging questions. This was the straw that broke the camels back and we left the day it happened. I asked a question about the twelve truths that we were to live by. Drawn up by a leader. I didn’t believe all of them and the women became unusually dependent on them. They were used as an answer to everything. When I asked if we were relying on them too much, others who defended them and the writer (a leader) with an angry gusto were backed up and supported and it was obvious I had questioned a sacred cow. The leaders asked that we tell them should someone say something bad about them, and for other reasons too. But when serious problems arose, like physical, spiritual and emotional abuse, the issues were handed over to a brother in the church. A brother whose wife had no problem sharing all the church gossip with many of the sisters. At one point we were sent to this brother for help and my husband was to meet with him. My husband said there was no way in hell he was going to have this man’s wife tell all her friends about his struggles, which happened often. And I have the knowledge I wish I didn’t have to prove it.

I know that many in this group are sharing wonderful community life. Their kids are always together. They get together and come up with ways to love the Lord by loving on each other and they call one another when they need each other. It looks perfect, just what community life was described to look like in the books. They are filled with and experiencing Christ and are a part of something special. For everyone else, it was a different experience. And when it was brought up, no one cared. I actually was bullied and yelled at for bringing it up… not able to leave this person’s home until I agreed. I fought back tears. I agreed. I grabbed my kids and I left the home. I was afraid of this person for the rest of my time there. Those experiencing community life slowly took over all the jobs in the church and began to have more control in the church. Or should I say, the Christ in them had more control over what the group did. At times I played a part in this, so I take responsibility for that.

I will never again be bullied into silence. We were warned about this group by our family and friends and we ignored them. I even ignored another homeschool mom in a different organic church who said that she was concerned for me and the group we were moving to join. I defended our decision to move and I stopped all conversation once I used the Almighty’s name… we were “led” to this group by Christ. Who’s going to argue with that?

There are some accusations going around about one of my former leaders. I don’t know anything about that and I think that these allegations detract from the real issue… this group was a cult and I played a part in it. We all did. And those still in it defend themselves and their leaders and mock and make fun of me and those who are leaving hurt and suicidal. Spiritual abuse happened, but never sexual abuse. The leader of the group I was in loves his wife and spoke of her highly. She was a part of our group. He never spoke to me or another female without our husbands present. I hope these allegations go away because they discredit those of us who are dealing with present day issues. I am finding healing from spiritual abuse and I have a voice now, just like the man who wrote the blog post in my link, The Familyhood Church.

I hope this will be the last of my posts about this issue, but we’ll see. Sometimes I can’t function until I write and today that was the case. So check out my new links and feel free to message me anytime. Also, I have chosen to stop reading the blogs and posts of those who are in my former group. It just hurt too much. And as with any cult, those who are not silenced get attacked. I still love my fellow Christians who took part in this group with me, just not the dynamics of the group. If your intentions are to slander me personally, please choose not to read my blog and then mock me openly. I would never do that to any of you. I take this issue very seriously and feel that it should be handled maturely. Mock me in your groups behind my back, but don’t use my blog to do it. I still protect you in many ways… ways that you will never know about. Because believe it or not, I wanted to stay in touch, I tried to stay in touch, I wanted to still be friends, and I do still love you… For everyone else reading this, please be careful and do your research before joining any group, we are human and all capable of making the mistakes I made.

Thank you for reading.

Love,

Jackie

Embarrassing times we are living in…

So with a title like that I should probably just jump right in. It’s hard, sometimes downright painful, to admit my faults, my bad choices, roads I’ve travelled down. I have lived a questionable life at times and shudder at the thought of bringing up many of my faults, because the truth is I have punished myself more than anyone else could have. I didn’t feel worthy of having real friends, of people being kind to me, or of having a voice. Until I found my value in Christ. The plan was set into motion before I was ever even a thought in my parent’s minds. There would be a redeemer and He would make me worthy beyond all belief because there’s no way I could ever obtain perfection, or even normalcy without Him. Jesus would be a perfect Christ, my Redeemer and my Rock. Thanks to Him, I am no longer tied to my faults and my sins, but I am humbled and I am saved by the blood of Jesus Christ.

The thing is, I have to choose Him otherwise I don’t see all of who I have become, in Him, thanks to Him, and all because of Him. If I don’t choose Him, I am choosing myself, and that’s when I not only see my faults, but I feel shame over them and care about them. And no one can take that away from me. I will give you an example… I was in a church group once. It was filled with people I cared about and I knew they cared for me. I stood up in front of this group and shared that I wanted to stop taking my medicine, the kind that relieved my pain… pain that I now know I can not live with so I have since gone back on it. I shared that going off this medicine would be hard on my body and my mind and it needed to be a slow process, since withdrawal could cause seizures should I go any faster than what protocol suggested. So I was going to begin weaning down and hoped to be able to make the jump off my medicine within a year. The thing is, taking my medicine was not a sin. It was actually a need. And no one in the group made me feel like it was, at that time. It was a personal choice I made because I wanted to be free, free from pain and free from medicine. So I told my group and they were supportive and wanted to help in any way they could. Friends even came up to me afterwards and shared their story of how they overcame their dependence to this or that.

At the time I knew I was dependent and I was not ashamed of that. I did not have an addiction… I know the difference well. But there are many ignorant people in the world who think that tolerance and independence are the same as addiction. I have had countless doctors describe the difference to me as I struggle with taking medicine. I am always asking about “getting addicted”, and always assured that I may become dependent, but addiction is a series of behaviors, not the actual medicine. Had I been addicted I would have stood up and shared that struggle, and hopefully would have felt no shame, but who knows.

So anyway the next time I go meet with my group and all of my friends are there and I am in Christ with them, a speaker comes in. A speaker whose wife happened to be at the previous gathering, the one where I shared about my struggle and found support. So we sit down and everyone is intent on hearing what this wonderful speaker has to share. And as he shares I become extremely embarrassed. Because the entire time of “teaching” is centered around how to overcome addiction and how he has a sure-fire way to cure this sin… and he does call it a sin. And his website is for people addicted to short acting opiates and porn and cigarettes… not a pain medicine with a long half-life that causes seizures when stopped suddenly. And he talks to everyone even though the message was clearly meant for me and maybe a few others who have shared about their issues privately. The thing is, this person never came to me and didn’t know anything about me. And had I not known that what this person was saying was a load of B.S., I would have been mortified instead of just embarrassed. Others knew just who he was talking about too because they made sure to ask if I was okay afterwards and assured me that it wasn’t just about me. Why would they assume I thought it was about me? Because they assumed it was about me.

Later another person in the group went through a similar shaming, only she was mortified and cried for days afterwards. She was seeing spirits and removing them from people. Like, seriously seeing a spirit of fear and just picking the spirit off of that person and throwing it out. She also knew things about people from reading them, like a medium… only a Christian version. She felt that it was her gift and felt no shame attached to her gift. So instead of going to this woman, there was a LOT of talk behind her back. We got a phone call from the leader of the group asking many, many questions about her. We were told not to be alone with her. Not to have her over unless other Christians were there. Other people in the group were told the same thing. And at the next gathering, we were told that what this girl was doing was wrong. The leader did everything but tell her name. Everyone knew who the message was for because we had all gotten phone calls that week about it. It was a public shaming and we thought it was okay because it was a trusted leader doing it.

I don’t believe that sins should get overlooked. I think that they need to be handled. I believe that we should follow the Bible’s example and GO TO THE PERSON. If the person refuses to answer or acknowledge, only then should we take it before the church. Most likely should a sin be going on, a person will be humbled at the mention of Christ’s forgiveness and redemption. When we see just how great He is, our faults no longer matter and are not anything to be ashamed of. When life is built on the rock, our measly sins won’t stop that no matter how bad they are. So why deny them?

What this man in a position of authority did was wrong and I should say let the one without sin cast the first stone. And that people who live in glass houses…. you get my drift.

There’s a bigger lesson here. A bigger revelation. No matter what we do, no matter how horrible my past is/was, nothing can separate me from the love of Christ. I have had all my sins told. I was the one to do it. I tell many of them in this blog because I believe that it can help others to know that yes, I did those things and no, it does not define me. I put my money where my mouth is. I am a new creation in Christ and I am not good because of what I do, but because of what He did. If I started denying what I’ve done, it would be to protect my own reputation, and it would not all be for His glory. I feel that my past makes me perfect for being a counselor who helps others. What makes me qualified? What has shown that Christ is as solid as a rock? I have no shame, even when others who are on the top of the pyramid of authority bring up my issues. I am covered by the blood of Christ and that’s what defines me. I choose Him and not myself. And I don’t rally a bunch of people to defend me, because I am okay with being a flawed being in need of a Savior.

It’s been a long strange trip, this life. And I have recently decided that I am okay with everything. I have no expectations anymore. I love everyone. I love those who don’t understand me. I love those who take shots at me and what I write when I bear my heart because I know that they are covered in Christ’s blood too. And it lets me know they are reading my blog, not to love me or see if I am cancer free, but instead to find all the ways they can take yet another shot. And in that, I am “spot on.” I love those who slander me, who choose to stop loving me when I disagree with their beliefs or any other issue. I live my life on the foundation of Christ and that means I love everyone, even those who don’t love me back. Especially them. It has taken time, but I live in a state of love, instead of righteous, defensive needs. I was very sick, and hopefully I’m not anymore. It changed me. It made me see that this life is but a drop in the ocean and I am free to love those who have sins, just like I have sins. I am free to love those who condemn me because I have called my experience in a certain group a “cult”. I love those people even though they are super-duper angry that I characterize my time there in that way. I love those who have committed heinous crimes, because I have committed worse and they don’t matter. All that matters is Christ’s blood and the way we live our lives, the way that I live my life is what makes my words real. I am not ashamed, I am not going to be shamed because I have been covered by the blood, and I hope one day we can live in a world where Christians understand that.

Thank you for reading. Jesus Christ is the Redeemer.

Love,

Jackie

Family and Friends; update about me :)

Hi friends and family and anyone else who wants to know what’s up with me and how life is post-thyroidectomy.

So as most of you know, I have been battling debilitating pain off and on for some time now. Off when pain medication is taken. On when I take no medicine. As we weave through the mess that is the bottom half of my body, I am learning that there are a million and one things that can go wrong in the human body.

My family doctor has been handling some small issues that have come up while my urogynecologist has been handling others. Last night I had pain that dropped me, even with the medicine. Today I felt sick, slightly feverish, couldn’t eat or drink much, and the pain started creeping up on me. So I called the doctor on call at my family doctor’s office, because it’s Sunday and I couldn’t go into the office. The on call doc asked me to head to St Josephs Medical Center and get hydrated and assessed. I had a CT scan of my abdomen done with the dye cast and the doctors found a few more things. Something’s wrong with my intestines; they have little bumps all over them, called sigmoid diverticulum. Not a huge problem right now, but should they grow, apparently the pain is worse than labor. In severe cases it ruptures; and it becomes deadly within minutes due to sepsis. So I need to get that under control ASAP. It is easily controlled with medicine and dietary changes. This condition is extremely painful even in the early stages; I know from experience. It explains what my problem has been lately. Other symptoms confirm this. There are lymph nodes in this area that are swollen, but I am getting my nodes checked a week from Monday so we’ll know what the deal is with that after that scan.

Also, there is a mass in my abdomen that is probably my ovary. It has another mass on that one that is probably a cyst, which is pretty common in women. My cyst is about the same size as the ovary and is complex, meaning it has solid and fluid “stuff” in it. I will be getting that checked soon, during my “let’s make sure there are no more cancer cells left in my body scan.”

So that’s my deal. I feel so horrible. Today was supposed to be my big day out. Since the surgery I have only left the house a handful of times and it has been to basically run errands and go to appointments. Today Chris was going to watch the kids so I could hit up Starbucks and take some books with me and spend the day doing my favorite things… reading, writing, and drinking coffee. And I spent it in pain and sick. This can NOT go on. Fortunately this is the year of health for us. We plan to fix every single thing wrong with me and so I am ready for it. Bring it on…

So I am most likely cancer free, and I am celebrating that. And I am grateful for that. But I will say it is for real after my scan and possible biopsies these coming weeks. Here’s the skinny on the rest of this month:

I am getting a cocktail of medicines every Thursday this month for my stomach, via catheter. The Appell Cocktails, named after the man who created this treatment will calm my bladder and ease some of the pain. So each Thursday morning a mix of medicines will be put into my bladder while I read or count dots on the ceiling. Two hours later the mix gets drained out and I go home. Yeah, that’s my least favorite thing I’m doing this month.

I begin physical therapy on Monday, one week from tomorrow, for Myofascial Pain. That’s a fancy word for muscle pain. It flares up during stressful times or when other painful conditions rear their ugly head. I also begin my muscle relaxers as soon as I fill them. Little white pills three x’s a day until I complete physical therapy. They will make me tired, that’s why I haven’t filled them yet. I need to be even more tired than I already am like I need a bamboo shoot under my finger nail.

I begin seeing a Women’s doctor a week from Wednesday. This will be the man responsible for ending most of my pain, and for checking the girl organs I still have left for endometriosis and cancer. I am excited to meet him. His patients call him Doctor K. And he gets rave reviews.

In the meantime I am doing some of the more enjoyable and fun homeschooling activities we didn’t do this year. I am enjoying spending time with my kids. They are so sweet and they don’t care that I am not perfect. I am so glad they are healthy. Same with Chris. I am so glad he is strong and healthy and running. He actually ran a mud run yesterday and finished in the top 10%. I am really proud of him. He is so strong and handsome. I hope my boys take after him.

That’s it for now… I’ll update you all more as the month goes on. I plan to write more about homeschooling in the coming weeks as it keeps my mind on good things. It makes me happy.

Have a great week. Love you guys,

Jackie

Gone but not Forgotten

I fell asleep without taking my normal night-time medicine. Adjusting to the new synthyroid has been relatively easy, but I do get tired hard and fast. I also have very little appetite, but that could be from the surgery, the infection I am dealing with, and the particularly sharp and jagged stone working its way out of my kidney. Anyway, I’m tired and I fell asleep before I intended to. Chris let me sleep and I woke up at 5am confused and overcome with emotion. Last night I was dreaming that a friend from my hometown was getting married. And the girl was lovely and I was so happy for him.

I was running a little late to the wedding and trying not to step on my dress as I hurried through the doors. At the reception we danced and I finally had a minute alone with the new groom to tell him how happy I was for him; for how his life turned out; for the fact that we were still good friends. Then I woke up in a panic, overdue for my medicine, and wondering how my friend was doing and why had we stopped talking. I have to get up right now and find his number and call him. Then it hit me, like a painful brick in the head, that he died. A long time ago. Heart complications or a heart attack was the “official” story, but I worked at the local country club where the chief of police came in that night and told me about what really happened, drug OD. And I knew my friend well enough to know that no one probably knows everything about how he died that morning. He was like me, he liked to escape pain and reality the same way I used to… with a bag or a pill. He would call me from wherever he was, sometimes just to talk. And I always could tell when he was alone or with others by the way he would share what was going on. I wouldn’t hear from him for months and then all of a sudden he would call and not let me off the phone until he was asleep. We became especially close when his big brother passed on. For some reason it was really important to the both of us that we stay friends, no matter where we were in the country. When I heard that he had died I wrote this journal entry that I still carry with me today in my ‘lame box of things from childhood I can’t let go of.’ On that day, I felt like the world would never be the same and I lost one of my last true friends.

Fast forward 15 years and I have Chris, who I would say knows my heart and is the best friend I’ve ever had. I no longer feel the deep sorrow I used to for the several people closest to me who passed, but I’ll always feel sad when I remember them. And even sadder that I never got to share the news of my wedding, the births of my 3 beautiful sons, and all the other good things. The feeling of joy I had for the first few seconds of the day today are appreciated. Thank you God for letting me have those. Before the confusion set in as I wondered why I hadn’t talked to him in so long, then the sting of remembering that I can’t.

I don’t know if I really believe in ghosts. I believe in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I believe that we die, but our spirits never truly die. I believe in love and the bond that can’t be broken, even in death. Love is stronger than death. I have never had a dream like this, one that felt so real that I woke up and began to get up and call the person I dreamed about, only to realize less than a minute later that he’s gone. I wonder if for a brief moment I actually got to see my friend. I wonder, if somewhere good, he was happy and just checking in like he used to. Whatever it was, I am thankful for the few minutes I had alone at the “wedding” and I am glad he was happy. Because that’s how I remember him.

And now I have hope that one of these nights I might just get some time with my grandmom too.

I hope you have a good day. Thanks for reading, I needed to get it all out before the kids start peeking their sleepy little faces around the corner.

Love,

Jackie