You know, I keep making the mistake of thinking we, humans, have evolved ito creatures that can openly and honestly share when something concerns us. Who knows, maybe if I were in a tight knit community for 30 years, I could. But then again, maybe not.
I think that the Lord sometimes leads me to say something that needs to be said. I know it’s Him because there is no “pay off” for me, I am usually going against the majority, but it is always in line with Scripture… and I always end up bleeding. Let’s face it, in every group, friendship circle, place that several people congregate, an alpha will arise. If there are several alpha’s they arise together. Christ created us so He knows this. Maybe it happens because humans need leaders or nothing would get done, who knows. All I know is that as humans we can make mistakes, the biggest is assuming that everyone else is like us or will understand us. Especially those on top.
I am a major out-of-the-box, can’t stand methods, if it’s written down on a to-do list I am sure to NOT do it type of a person. Definitely not normal, I know. I think the thing that scares me the most is that those of us who are like that are labelled something, like trouble, unstable, certainly not the type of person you want on top of the pyramid. But I make a good brick somewhere in the middle or bottom.
I asked a question recently because I saw something happening… a method being put into place, if you will. To make matters worse, I didn’t understand why the method was such a big deal. Why was this list of verses I memorized when I was 17 such a HUGE deal. It was something pretty important to a majority of those in my life. And I didn’t really say much because it didn’t matter. But then I felt a big mistake was about to be made(concerning this method), and Christ put it on my heart to say something and I ran it by some Brothers in the Lord and they agreed it was a valid question. So I asked a question. I explained that I didn’t understand something, but I wanted to and I was open to teaching.
I had a few sort of, kind of agree with me and one person actually fully understood how I felt.
Great! We as humans have finally reached new ground!
But then it happened. What I was nervous about happening… I was asking a question about a method, not a person or anything a person did. But a human took offense and I got railroaded. Damn it Lord, why can’t I just not leave my house, where my husband and kids let me ask questions and give me time to figure things out? Which is what’s going to have to happen now all because I asked a question. I feel so drained. I cried all morning when I realized the original question was put aside and now there is a whole buddy system going on teaming up against me for asking a question. So much of what I said was twisted and turned into something else. Once I finished blubbering over my morning coffee I asked the Lord if I should defend what He gave me. Should I continue on in that I don’t agree with some things and I am concerned that we may be starting on a road that’s a tad off course? Or should I just be quiet and say “oh, now I get it.” Christ will get what He wants if we allow Him to, so I don’t ever need to defend Him. What would I defend Him with?… Himself. I felt that this blog entry is the extent to which I will ever defend what I asked. I didn’t understand something and I felt alone. And I didn’t need to be reminded of where I was in the pyramid, which is NOT at the top where you get to ask questions.
I don’t think that Christ could ever fit into a box for me. I don’t think that methods and committees and buddy systems are ever going to fit for me. I don’t think I’ll ever feel totally comfortable saying what I believe Christ put in my heart… the words of wisdom and warnings even, but then again no one ever has. It doesn’t mean that I will be angry with Him. Hell, I won’t even be angry with those who defend what they believe is an opposing side of view. I believe that different things work for different people and I will never say that we all need to be doing something just because it works for most. I will voice my opinion if I think we are about to help someone in the very worst way and possibly shut her off to ever hearing a word we say(I know you probably don’t understand that part, but I need to write this).
I have never attacked a person or an act of love that person’s performed. I hate that my valid, we-need-to-talk-about-this, question was taken over and turned into something else. It makes me not ever want to talk about or bring up a conern again, even though I will because Christ is more important than what the herd thinks. I hate that the only place I will ever be able to talk honestly without backlash is at home, with my family.
Everyone gets a voice, even those on the bottom, and this is mine.
Stay classy San Diego, I mean Jacksonville!