You know what? I get a lot of stuff wrong. Last night I was in a very desperate place as I realized I got something wrong. I gave years of my life to something that I don’t know is even real anymore. It doesn’t matter what it is and you don’t need to know what it is in order to understand this blog entry.

Years of drug addiction, abuse that borders on torture, and brainwashing will do something to a woman… it will break her. I would say that I am broken. I would say that because of horrific events I have developed a very realistic, although sometimes low, view of myself. But something very cool has come out of that. I am not a perfect Christian, not even a very good one. In my 15 years of knowing the Lord I have met many good or perfect Christians, but I have never been one.  (I know nobody is perfect, but you all know what I mean if you’ve been a Christian for more than 15 minutes)

I know my Lord is real. I know He is with me in my time of distress. Everytime something like this happens, I come out a little weaker as Jackie and a little stronger as a Christian. I am not a thin-skinned, get my feelings hurt easily person, although I am sure some may see me that way, but of course no one ever knows what really happens. No one ever knows the whole story. I have the opportunity to re-evaluate my whole belief system and you better believe I am.

So much of what I thought was true was utter bullshit. Because it came from human knowledge and human wisdom. Christ is the only truth and the only way. And he doesn’t care if I live a better, wealthier, prettier, more expensive, more educated, more knowledgable life. How did I buy into that? Christ cares about human beings. The only thing that matters, He died for.

I have gotten a lot of advice and wisdom and stuff given to me over the years. But none of it was backed up with love, the only thing that matters. I wanted to just go away and leave this horrible place called earth because I feel so ‘effing stifled and censored. I feel like I don’t have any rights or any place to give an opinion. And I feel that way because the one time I actually said what I felt… I got the boot. And apparently gossiped about, but I wasn’t there to hear it so who knows.

I put my life on hold for something that wasn’t real. Christ is the only thing that’s real and from now on He is the only thing I am banking on. I won’t question my Lord’s authority ever again. Because never again will I put my faith in God into a human being. We are His children, but we are not God. We don’t get to choose who is right and who is wrong… He does. We don’t get to lead people and decide who is worthy of listening to and who is not. He does. He appoints leaders and I will never again trust a self-appointed leader. I will put my faith in Jesus Christ and not a set of doctrines put together by my favorite authors. Mistake number 2,899,645.

I have been through a metaphorical hell and back. I have had to trust God through some terrifying circumstances and I know His loving power and strength better than I know the back of my hand.

I am sorry to say that it has taken going to such a dark place to get to this place. I am sure that parts of this may have sounded angry or hostile, but I promise you it was not directed at a person. This is the most passionate and energetic and exciting place I have been in, and I know that can sometimes be mistaken for hostility. I have full love and forgiveness for anyone who may have unintentionally hurt me. I know the Lord loves all of us the same.

Thanks for reading,




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