One of the reasons I named my blog Whole Hearted Mama is because so many times I have disjointed my life. I kept my background separate from who I am now. I kept my church separate from my kids and my homeschooling. I kept my depression separate from all that. And when I created this new blog I knew that it would mostly be about homeschooling because my life is mostly about homeschooling. But, I did not want to separate one part of my life from another. I am showing my whole heart as I write from day-to-day. If I pretended I didn’t just go through something painful and lonely, and I just continued to write about homeschooling (which I almost did), it would not be real.
It’s a beautiful story of grace that I can have life hit with a sledgehammer, emotionally and I can write about it and write-through it. Because there is always something to be learned, and it always gets better. I am a strange one in that I enjoy watching shows like “Intervention”. I cry at the end. I like them because the person with the addiction starts off with such sadness and the show ends with hope. To me, that’s a whole-hearted life. Not the perfect life where everything is grand on the outside, but kept hidden for the sake of good looks.
My husband said last night that he sees more of me on paper and online than he does when I talk. It’s the way I was created to communicate best. When he comes home from work while he eats his dinner I will read him what I wrote that day and we begin to talk from there.
It can be embarrassing sometimes, but I am becoming an open book. I spent some time with a lady named Jenny the other night. She runs a Home for women here in Gainesville. I went to the Home and met some very nice ladies. Jenny has been through some similar experiences, although some of our story is different. As I explained to her that I want to do what she does one day, she told me that I need to possess that rare quality of being an open book. I can not be ashamed of the hardship that it is taking me to get to where I am going.
I am battling depression. It’s very real and it’s due to circumstances right now, not bipolar. Chris and I are leaving our church that we have been with and fallen in love with and it is a very, very difficult thing for me. Although I know God wants our family together, I am leaving a whole other family. There’s a ripping and a tearing going on inside and I am questioning God because of all the dark feelings. I know that the church doesn’t begin and end with Jackie, but I just wished that was missed a little more… don’t we all.
We are leaving on our trip soon and I have a million things to do, cut my boy’s hair, clean out my ‘fridge, and laundry/packing. I think that this vacation is coming at a perfect time. I have been having trouble sleeping at night and after being alone with the kids all day I feel the burden of life weighing on me. That burden can be too heavy on some nights. I find myself buried in the Scripture and see that most men went through times like me. So many times these men cried out for death, while at the same time loving God. I love the Scriptures. I love the transparency and simplicity with which these men lived and spoke. There’s no difficult theology or crazy maze of words to read six times before I can figure it out. They spoke, and it’s something we can all understand. There are times when I feel separated from God and I know it’s normal because men in the bible felt it too.
Not too many people here on earth want to be seen as weak. We may not get that coveted spot or job or even a friendship if people know we struggle. Some even think there must be something wrong, like we must be spiritually deficient if we are going through a hard time. I can say with all honesty that I am getting to know more of Him and hear more of Him now than I have in about 9 years. And I wonder if it has to do with being so lonely and so desperate, that all the clutter is removed. I have no meeting to go to where I can be lifted up. I have no Sisters anymore. I have no husband because he works in a different city. I have the Lord and that’s it. And what He’s given me is this blog and homeschooling, which I thank Him for.
No one reads this anymore. Except for my the two lovely people who texted me yesterday. (Thank you, I appreciate and accept your love and encouragement). I don’t write it for people who read anyway, I write it for me. Here’s my whole heart.