I know how I feel

Boy, it feels like a lifetime since I’ve written anything. We are busy beyond belief getting ready for the move and it’s exhausting. I’ve been falling asleep sitting up at the table working, just to give an example of how incredibly tired I am. In addition to that I’ve had some feelings that I just couldn’t put my finger on. Ever have those? I don’t like to write when my thoughts or feelings are not being revealed clearly, because I usually end up wishing I could take those typed words back.

After a few weeks of thinking, spending time with my husband, praying in all kinds of ways (beholding the Lord, meditating, turning to Him, or whatever lingo you happen to prefer), I have been getting a hold of, and grasping the fact that I am no better than anyone else and they are no better than me. There is One who is perfect and He is the Christ that lives inside me. When change comes, stress happens, those who need the spotlight don’t get it, or those who hate the spotlight are forced into it, when we are offended truly, or just think we’ve been offended, when others don’t have the same belief system as us, when all these things happen and the rubber meets the road… are we who we present ourselves to be?

If I am only kind and loving to those who believe what I believe, and are in my small group, and are in my bridge club, and go to my church, and are in my homeschool group, but if I am sweet to all these, yet unkind to others, well, Christ said even the sinners can do that. Have I done that? I know it’s been done to me. I know that people I began to love would cheerfully loved me back when they greeted me, but now act as if I have leprosy because I am on another path. And I wonder, do I do the same thing? And the answer is yes, in my heart I have done the same thing. I have thought that because I did something a certain way such as homeschool, eat organically, and home church I was getting it right. I thought I had it all figured out.

What’s so powerful for me is realizing that I have not reached my destination. I am a little further and farther than I was, I have been broken by the Lord and I have found healing for deep wounds, but I am not at the final destination. For a long time I thought we all had to be at the same place at the same time in our church. I frustrated me when I knew it was time to go, because of the direction our church was going in and the direction Chris and I were being led in was different. I always thought the only way we would ever leave is if the church splits. The church isn’t splitting, so why are we leaving Lord? And His answer to me is that we are not all in the same place. Some have found their permanent home here, some need to move on elsewhere to find more of Him.

A great teacher once told me that my problems will follow me everywhere so if I’m leaving to run from problems, they’ll be at the new home too. A good friend told me that bullies and meanies (I refuse to curse in this entry, but can’t promise you anything in the future) live everywhere, even in churches and some would say especially in churches. It doesn’t matter what religion, denomination, or type of church you “do”. The problems don’t go away. And the ones who are your friends “til’ the ends of the earth” while in your group suddenly have erased you from their memory when the Lord moves you into a different place. I am a prime example. I know a girl who left my church and thought she must not be cut out for this hard-core Christian lifestyle. I was a tried and true judgemental frenemy. The truth is, this girl had been broken by the Lord, knew her worth and value in Him and is happy as a clam elsewhere. Here I was thinking I knew something she didn’t and the truth was just that she is on her own path. And it looks different from mine.

I am glad to be moving. I will miss some of the dearest friends I have ever made here. I am tearing up just thinking about it. I would name names, but don’t want to leave anyone out or offend anyone. You know who you are. Thank you for sticking with me to the end, thank you for keeping in touch and loving me from an hour and a half away. Thank you for being my very first homeschool friend when I knew no one and we met that day in line at the library. Thank you for understanding what I go through and relating to me because your boy has autism too. Thank you for coming to my house last night and letting me tell you in person how much your friendship has meant to me. Thank you for meeting me for coffee and telling me that I am not that scared little girl anymore. Thank you Christ for dying for me because it’s been you in all these people.

Have a great weekend!




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