Follow Up

I had planned to write on the topic of habit in my homeschool, but feel like I need to change my topic for today and maybe push that one back.

There have been so many times in my life that I opened up a daily blog I subscribe to and the author, who I’ve never met, spoke to my heart. I love the faithful followers that give me the thumbs ups and it lets me know that I am not alone in my feelings and maybe I am speaking to others the way my favorite bloggers speak to me. Yesterday I woke up and wrote, as I do, and hopefully most of you who read understood that I have had a lifetime in Florida. Well, 13 years of a lifetime and although the last two were the best by far, I was referring to several years of my life at points in my entry yesterday. For the last 2 years I was a part of an organic Church which is a church that is led by the Supremacy of Jesus Christ and all the members of the Body express and turn to and indwelling Lord, and we did this together. Can living life with others get messy? Of course. Did I ever act like a jackass? Of course. The point is I would never attack the organism that is the Bride of our Lord. But in the same way, I am free to express my personal journey and the path I have taken, with nobody taking offense, as I have not taken offense at another when given the chance. In the last couple of months I have searched my heart inward and out to make sure I am in a good place, forgiveness-wise, before I write. Because even strangers could read what I write and feel convicted, I don’t take responsibility for personal conviction. The people I have in mind when I write and when I wrote yesterday don’t read blogs. So if you are able to read this, rest assured, it wasn’t you. And when I wrote that leaving our church home was hard for me and Chris, well, we get to say that. It was. Not everyone has the same experience, snubs, and chilly responses in place of good-byes. So those who didn’t get that can’t understand what the last two months in Florida was like- again I am referring to the 13 years of people I met.

We paid almost a thousand a month on gas for our cars and hundreds of hours a month as a family in order to do what we did for two years. We would have not done that had it not been totally and completely worth it. Not everyone gets the love and heartfelt good-byes that we got from those closest to us. Chris teared up after two Brothers stopped by on moving day to say good bye. And I got to really say good-bye to those who were not only Sisters, but true friends as well. And some couldn’t show up, who were in town, and I am allowed to write that the Lord used it in the plan that is life. I am flighty enough and moving was so incredibly hard, that I would not have been able to leave had I felt the weight of all Christ’s love on me in that last month or two. And it’s okay because I am not mad or resentful.

For a while I almost turned away from the Lord and to Buddhism. Christ is a Shepperd who leaves the 99 to follow the one. That was supposed to be the point of the blog. So let me try writing a little more about that, with the hope that no one would take it personally.

The day we left Florida, I got a very disturbing email. A friend had sent me a link that a former roommate of mine, one of the very first people I met when I moved down here at 19 years old, had died. I partied with this person and lived with this person for a while. His home was being raided by SWAT and he came out of his bedroom at 5am with a rifle, probably believing he was being robbed, and was shot by an officer. I read the email over and over and over again the whole way down. It was such a significant thing to happen on such a significant day. I didn’t know how I felt and I cried, but I can’t tell you the emotions behind it because they are confusing even to me. That was my life for such a long time and I had changed into a new person and my old “friend” had never changed. Still, there was something very familiar about that life. And I would be leaving a piece of me in Florida.

I became a mother to 3 and a wife in Florida and I came to have friends in every step I took there. There were two times in those 13 years that I doubted Christ. One of them was during a crisis and the other was when we were deciding what to do. My life had become very comfortable. I woke up, did devotions and ate breakfast with the kids, we home schooled, then went to the gym, on Wednesdays we visited with a friend, otherwise we went home and I cleaned for an hour before it was time to make dinner. I cooked and ate with the kids and then got them ready for bed. Chris would come home in time to read to them before putting them to bed. It was a very nice little life other than I was alone with the kids all the time. I felt the Lords presence leaving a little more everyday. The church we were a part of was heading in a direction and Chris and myself felt very specifically that it was our time to move. We had come to the church thinking he would find a job there and after two years, we just couldn’t. So we informed the Body that we were moving and that’s when I began looking into Buddhism. And the fact that I didn’t tell anyone should have been my first clue that it wasn’t the path to God.

The thing about the Lord is that He’s always changing, and I was changing too, but not in the same way as my closest Sisters and friends. And that was one of the loneliest points of my life. And on top of that dealing with all the repercussions of leaving, like I posted previously, I was so lost and confused.

Yesterday was a wonderful day for me. I spent the day out in the yard cleaning off the house with a giant brush on a giant stick and a bucket of soap and still had energy left over for some yard work. The cool air and hard work on my home did my soul some good. The Lord is once again very clear and visible and audible in the world and within me again. The elusive Christ had me move half way across the country to find Him within, if that makes sense to you. It feels very country right now, even though we are on the outskirts of a giant city and about a mile from the Chiefs Stadium. I feel like I am in the country. The chilly air reminds me of being a kid in Jersey. I am surrounded by change and somehow it’s exactly what I needed. I have certainly found Him here too and I know my Lord’s voice. My books about Zen are buried in a box. I am so in love with Christ and see Him in change. I see Him changing, me changing, and life altering into the next phase. I had let go of the hurt of other’s behavior because change is the point. The Lord is not concerned with other’s behavior when it comes to my heart. We left and He used everything, down to the disturbing email about the death, to get me to this point.

We are not under the law. Jesus Christ came, lived a perfect life, and died so that we may be set free. Unfortunately it doesn’t mean feelings don’t matter anymore. I am sorry if my feelings hurt anyone, but I try to be vague… so vague in fact that some think my blogs are about them when it’s not. Other times I am not so vague and I have gone through something big and all my subscribers are strangers and so I write about what I go through while still protecting the anonymity of the one who helped me change. When I wrote about getting some chilly run-in’s with people, I promise that it’s no one that reads this, so please, don’t take offense. I had a whole life in Florida, even while in Gainesville that consisted of several groups of people, gym, Church, homeschool, and moms I went to the park with.

So, in conclusion, I dabbled with Buddhism, gave shout outs to the Church I was in as one of 2 best times of my life, said the cold behavior of some(who live in Florida and who I kept nameless because there were many) helped me move on, and now I am faithfully following Christ. Those are my thoughts, my feelings, and I hope they don’t offend anyone because they shouldn’t. And my reason for writing this “follow-up” is because, as I was being told by my pharmacist that  my seizure medicine script was written “wrong” and I would have massive siezures without it, I got a less-than-kind message from a friend about my blog. Great. Literally, the message came through and ding-ed on my phone as I was at the counter and realized I wouldn’t have the medicine I need today, and the pharmacist told me that I would start seizing without it. Legally he couldn’t change the script, but had a medical obligation to keep me safe. So he had pity on me and the seriousness of the situation and gave me enough to last until he could get a hold of my doc in Florida. And then I decided that when I woke up I would write a blog letting everyone know that if you hurt me deep enough that I would write a blog about it, trust me, you would know it. And most of what I wrote yesterday was positive, although I did change my opinion about how I feel  for a moment while standing at that counter. It certainly was not Christ’s love and my husband praised my response to this person as he said he would have been less than cordial at such a moment. You know, I would have been too, but it’s Christ that lives, not I.

The Lord is my joy today. He is my fuel. He is my forgiveness and the reason I am blogging today, but didn’t for so long. The Lord is what makes the world turn, not my blog. Please try to see the positive in what I write because that’s where it came from. I try not to sit and write, anymore, unless I am in a good place mentally. Everything I wrote yesterday I wrote while in a good place so please try to see that.

Thanks. Have a wonderful week!

Love,

Jackie

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One thought on “Follow Up

  1. One thing I find inspiring about your blog posts and that is how honest and open they are. You possess bravery or some other trait that allows you to share so freely. That is one thing I appreciate when reading your posts.

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