An anonymous author, after being asked how he is able to write, responded with this: I sit down at my desk, cut my artery and what comes out is what ends up on paper. I wouldn’t be honest if I only wrote about the amazing parenting and homeschooling days and styles that work for us. In order to be a wholehearted writer who bleeds every time I sit at my computer, it’s the tough stuff that becomes hard to write. What will everyone think if I write that I feel like I am failing as a parent? I am a qualified, certified Educational Consultant with EDC Services, a homeschooler of 5 years, and the self-proclaimed Book Fair Lady of Kansas City Missouri daycare and preschools with a passion for literacy. And I feel like a failure as a parent today.
In another realm I am a perfected whole person, but in the practical here-and-now-job of raising my children to be the straight arrows who go into the future and fly further and farther than I ever do, there is definitely a responsibility that the Lord delegated to me and Chris. We are in general in one accord on how we do it and what’s important to us, based on what the Lord puts on our hearts. I am very aware that it is a personal decision to homeschool, but sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it’s a Person living inside of me, leading me and guiding me to do this very specific task and He is my strength to follow through.
Today all I saw was the giant can of paint my children opened on my new rug, the clean clothes all over the floor, and the 50 million things I had asked be completed, not completed. I cracked and called Chris and told him that I just couldn’t keep up. The little one especially, he is so destructive that I can’t get through the day without finding out about the completely disrespectful home destroying activities he’d partaken in. There are days like this, days like today, in which I just give up temporarily and I let them stay in their beds and wait for my husband to come home and help me.
Today was one of the worst days, being a mom was really hard today, and I had never wanted to give up more than I did this afternoon. I won’t go into all the specifics, but have you ever felt like you just reached your limit? I never felt this way with 2 children. Having 2 kids was a freakin’ breeze compared to this b*llsh*t. I am not saying having two kids isn’t hard, because it is. And I am not saying having one child isn’t hard because that comes with challenges of its own. But, there is a line that was crossed for Chris and I when we had three children and it has been hard to manage at times. It’s how it is for our family. As this overwhelmingly, suffocating, day of drowning in parenting comes to an end, I am locking myself in my office, which I love, I cried a lot and decided to write. I am going over next week’s bible lessons because they lift me up. From there I am going to fill out my plan book and faithfully forge on with fulfilling the course set before me. Chris and I have handled the punishments with physical activity, lots of it. He put on his marine corps uniformed and boot camped the heck out of them. Not a finger was laid on them and nothing was done to them that a school gym teacher hasn’t done, but they did it until they dropped.
Today I hated parenting. Today I did not see the fruits of my labor. Today I wondered why I was homeschooling them and wondered what the hell they would be like if they were in school all day? Today I sat back, and realized that the Lord was somehow teaching me something. I gave up trying to be a perfect parent a long time ago, so I don’t need to release that, it’s been released. I gave up homeschooling in my own strength, so it’s not that. Maybe what I need to realize is that I can help them form habits and I can teach them when they rise up and when they lie down at night, but ultimately I can’t stop bad days from happening.
So I am signing off from wordpress tonight and I am going to do the lesson planning that I love, for the children that I wanted to drop off at a firehouse today. I love all of my jobs and the “hats I wear”, but today being a mom was by far the hardest. Thanks for letting me vent. Have a good night.