Illusions

My children are so precious. There are times I am very frustrated with the emerging attitudes, but they are human and they are young humans at that so they need to be given time, instruction, and grace when learning how to control themselves. Children are not born polite- I was horrified when my boys once overlooked a young mother with a stroller at the library when she needed help getting her stroller in the door. I rushed over to pull it open, but was so embarrassed that my two oldest boys didn’t do it. Then I got mad at them. Then I realized they had not learned the rules of etiquette yet. They have not watched men or other boys open the door for ladies, other than Chris for me. They are sweet boys and I am grateful for each one of them today. Like I wrote in the beginning, they are precious to my eyes and I trust they are precious to the Lord too.

My middle child has a weakened immune system. There’s no way of proving whether it happened after his DTaP vaccine or if he was born with it, but the symptoms seem to line up with the other children who had the same reaction my son did after the vax. Again, we can’t prove it, but we are so sure within ourselves that we have chosen to homeschool his speech therapy in order that he never has to get the DTaP again. School require all shots be up to date. I am not against vaccines. I believe they are good for the masses, but there are children who die or end up like my Hunter after receiving them. The body has a bad reaction to the mercury, formaldehyde, aborted fetus tissue, not to mention all the poisons I can’t begin to spell and won’t look up right now. They are given in small doses so most kids don’t react badly, but my two children who have had vaccines as babies struggle with issues my youngest doesn’t. Leaky guts, constipation, hyperactivity with an inability to concentrate, and mild autism. Autism is not the same for every child. A doctor once explained an analogy about autism that helped me understand it better. She said that the symptoms are like a thousand gumballs in a gumballs machine. And if I put my quarter in and four roll out, those are the four that give my child the label of autism. The first sign for us was when Hunter wasn’t speaking and still has a hard time speaking. Now we see many, many other “gumballs”, but we don’t think of him as being different from any other person in this family. Except when he gets sick.

Right now Hunter has a nasty infection. It has presented itself with a fever that comes and goes and giant white(white is my nice way of describing it) blisters all over his body. The last time he got this the doctor diagnosed impetigo and staph. This time it’s ten times worse. So like any other concerned parent I whip out my google MD degree and take to the internet. I was on it until late reading stories of children who have died from this when the infection leaked into their bloodstream. Naturally I had a hard time falling asleep.Today I notice a red rash on his face out of nowhere and the large boot shaped infection on his leg is still pretty bad. What did the internet say about the rash again? I can’t remember, but I am freaking out a bit. Last night we covered the cuts in prescription antibiotic cream and bandages- we are past the point of using natural salves and home made remedies. There is a time and a place for medicine and this is it. I realized as I replaced the bandages on my sons leg that whenever he gets sick, fevers, and infections, which is often, fear strikes my heart.

I begin to plead with the Lord and tell Him that I didn’t know about vaccines back then. I didn’t know the dangers of giving them all at once and the signs he had been poisoned afterwards. I gave him 2 rounds of the shots before I realized I needed to stop bringing him in. Both times he had horrible reactions and I had to bring him to the hospital. The damage that was done in the weeks my baby did not have a bowel movement are permanent. His gut was poisoning him. No doctor would believe that my breast feeding baby did not have a bowel movement in a week. They made it clear they thought I was exaggerating. I was not. It happened twice, beginning the day he got the vax both times. I look back at those days and the weeks that came after and the pain my son was in and I try hard not to blame myself for my ignorance. My other son took to the vaccines just fine at first. How was I to know that anything bad would happen? I am in a doctor’s office, why would I believe any differently? Today he has some pretty embarrassing gut issues. The vaccines seem to affect my boy’s guts. I waited with my youngest. I waited until he was 2 and then I got him vaccinated with the ones I researched and deemed necessary. Unfortunately he was given them all at once, but he seemed to be okay afterwards, but I was so so nervous that I had damaged him too. We have never given him anymore. I am too worried something bad may happen to him and I couldn’t stand the feelings of guilt.

My generation is suffering of diseases, skin problems, and mental issues. Many of us have gut problems, heart problems, weight issues. When we receive vaccines as a child our immune systems are weakened forever. Not even the medical community disputes that. We all suffer to some degree of the toxins in our world, but the ones which enter our blood streams can affect us right away, or down the line. Off my soapbox and onto my kids- the reason I am unloading in my blog today.

Every time Hunter gets sick, I panic. If he were to ever die, if I were to ever find him gone due to one of these infections he gets, I always thought I could not go on. The infection he has right now kills more people than AIDS does each year. I am checking his body constantly. I am keeping the house and other kids disinfected hourly. I am busy busy busy with all the things I can control. Control. The minute I begin to think for a second that I can control anything, I have taken hold and grasped tightly and not given it over to my Lord. I don’t want to have control over this situation. I don’t want to be “in charge” of this. This is Lord’s, it became His when I handed all of myself over to Him.

What does submission look like in this case? I need to be aware of the dangers of this infectious illness and make sure that we are not ignoring Hunter’s needs and I also need to keep my husband and my other kids safe. So I check myself and see that I am doing the smart thing, like disinfecting the door knobs and faucet handles, but not out of fear. Out of motherly duty. I submit myself to Christ. In doing so I trust that no matter what happens, even if my worst fear happens I will not lose faith in my Lord. I trust Him, I trust Him, I trust His plan. If the Lord allows anything to happen it is because it has first passed through His hands and in the master plan it is meant to bring death to me and more life from Him. I write this now as my boy is okay. I am sure, just like all the other times he will be fine in a few days. The difference is that this time I am releasing my guilt and fear of what could happen. I am releasing the illusion of control and the burden of guilt. I am certain that life is found in Christ, not in our human bodies, the only life within us is His.

And now finally I am able to rest in Him.

Thanks for reading.

Love,

Jackie

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