The last blog I wrote was a big downer, which is not the norm for me, hopefully. I started to get a backache half way through and something just didn’t sit right within me. Well, as soon as I shared the blog on facebook I melted into the couch and could not get up for the life of me. Literally. I ran a fever of 103.1 and my throat hurt so bad I couldn’t swallow. I had major stomach pains and was bleeding in places I shouldn’t have been bleeding. Sorry for the info, but just want to convey how awful I felt physically and why my last post was so negative, I was very, very ill. My oldest son make the other kids lunch and my husband came home from work early. He wanted me to see a doctor, but I couldn’t move. Fortunately, my fever went down to 101 with some Ibuprofen although it was just a band aid to the real problems.
Friday came and went and it was more of the same. I couldn’t eat or drink and I hadn’t showered since Wednesday. I just layed on the couch in and out of conciousness with my fever rising and dropping as I took the meds. Yesterday my husband drove me to his childhood doctor, whose office is open on Saturdays. I was diagnosed with a host of illnesses, including strep throat and bronchitis and the possibility of surgery in 2 weeks. Yikes. What the heck. We are on a major role in our homeschool and I got sick the day before grocery shopping day, which is 2 days before baking day(where I bake all the breads, crusts, and goodies for the week).
For the first time in days I got up and walked around the house today. I freaked out like a crazy person at how my home looked and how things are not getting done. I began to cry at how backed up the laundry, schooling, and basic house clutter pick-up had become. I began to sweep and a few minutes in was wiped out and back on in my bed(hubby moved me from couch to bed because I contagious). I felt so helpless and out of control of my home.
As I sit here and type tonight I realize that all the control I had was of my own doing. And it was this weird little obsessive compulsive disorder in which I could make sense of my life. When the house was cleaned and my meals were all freshly made, and my children were learning with plans I made for them, I could finally rest and feel at peace. But now none of those things are happening. I am having to sit back and let my husband manage the home, in addition to his full time job, and we all know that husbands aren’t ones for detail. Mary Poppins could come to my home and it still wouldn’t be good enough because I am a control freak. And as long as I have a tight grip on an area of my life, Christ can’t have His way with every fiber of my being.
Here’s what I am learning about being ill. Having weeks- 2 to be exact- to lay in bed and rest is not everything I always hoped it would be. As my oldest son reminded me recently, “Mom, you wished you could sleep all day and now you can!”. Another thing I’ve learned is that I get cranky and mean when I am sick. I don’t want to be a mean person. And the third thing is, there are so many areas in my life that I am still trying to control. And I measure my success as a human being using that scale- what I can control and what I can’t.
A Sister brought by homemade soup, a natural recipe known to cure strep throat made out of coconut oils and contain the same nutrients as breast milk(gross sounding, but it doesn’t come from a breast), fruit, and lots of vitamin c supplements. It was a very sweet gesture that reminded me of my connection to Him, through others. I love people.
I really do, I love people. But I hate the imperfections in myself. And when I am ill, I don’t have the strength to maintain all that control over my life and so my mean-ness comes out. The lack of control makes me mean. My sin nature makes me mean, but Christ brings me warm soup and frozen peaches. I am still pretty sick and I hope that I am coherent enough for this to be meaningful.
Even through my inability to run my home- the parts delegated to me by the Lord and by my husband- is driving me a little batty, I am accepting it for what it is. It is the nature of control being released from me, not the title of ‘good mom’. I am just sick and I am dying to the need to get up and control things, in order that I may get better, but more importantly, so that I may let go of an external way of finding internal peace.
Thanks for reading my blog tonight.