Christ displays Himself best, when I am suffering, when I am weak, and when I have reached the end of myself. I’m not always there. Sometimes I miss entire days and I don’t see that it was all good. Some days, Christ is the thread I live by and He keeps me on my feet because I feel like I would crumble without Him.
Yesterday Chris and me talked a lot about the lens with which we look through. Example… a man knocks on the door, he doesn’t stop. Inside there is a woman, she stayed home sick, in her jammies, and is completely alone. Depending on this woman’s past, a few different scenarios can happen. If she has never been physically attacked, held against her will, and/or taken, she may open the door because she views the world for what it is to her. A person who has had unimaginable experiences has to cope to live without suspicion that danger is around every corner, let alone open the door for scary men. I had this happen recently and I was terrified. I didn’t open the door. I’m sure nothing bad was going to happen, but when a pattern of events happens in life, it shapes the story we tell ourselves. And we all tell ourselves stories.
The thing that Christ has shown me is that it’s okay to feel scared, as long as I don’t stay there. It’s okay to feel what I need to feel, to feel what you need to feel, as long as we don’t stay there. I write this blog as an online diary, so you are seeing my journey and watching me grow as a Christian. It’s not always pretty. The first time I wrote an emotionally charged blog I struggled with taking it down, over and over again. But the name WholeHeartedMama means that I am sharing my whole heart. Not just the times I find Christ in normal life and good circumstances, but when I find Him through the suffering as well.
Sometimes I have to do things I don’t want to do, big things. I have to remember who I am, a living expression of Him, moment by moment. Sometimes I have to… lose. I wrote about this in my latest blog. If everything was all good I wouldn’t be faced with the difficult decision of losing. It sucks right now. It’s painful because it means something pretty big, that unfortunately I can’t write about it because certain situations are off-limits here at Whole Hearted Mama.worpress.com. All I can tell you is that me, husband and the kids are all having to lose for the Lord’s gain. By that I mean, we are not going to fight the situation, we are definitely not going to fight the people, and we are going to accept all of it, with Love. It just takes a minute because I have to feel the pain of losing before I can accept the gift of Christ. And losing is always a gift.
Last night I spent time in a class that was going through the book of Romans. It’s in the Bible. I walked out half way through because of the nonstop references to try to be worthy of the sacrifice our Lord made. I was really hoping to just talk with another Christian and connect. I wanted some of that Life that comes from other people, but it was a bust. On the upside, I ended up volunteering to work with the kids classes a few nights a month. Then I came home and my husband and I had a conversation about an upcoming situation that was upsetting, hence the last blog, and I needed that life from another Christian even more. It’s hard living the deeper Christian life with people I trust enough to bare my soul to, living hundreds of miles away. So, instead of getting some Life and Wisdom from another, I needed to sit in His presence. His Holy Presence.
What’s the story I’m telling myself? Am I going to stay in the pain and settle here for a bit? It would be easy to do that, because I have the excuse, I have the past worthy of it, I have the diagnosis of bipolar, among other things. Those of you who don’t believe bipolar is real, obviously don’t have it. It’s about as unreal and “just” spiritual, as cancer is unreal and “just” spiritual. So, am I a weakling in my story? Am I going to wallow and feel sorry for myself? Am I going to wish I got to have the life other girls got to have, without the trauma? I’ve already done that. And it’s not where Christ is magnified and glorified.
Two kinds of people read my blog. The ones who understand the need to let go of a horrific train of life experiences and memories in order to function. And the ones who have only known normal life pain. And it’s hard for one group to understand the other. I’ve seen women say how they feel loudly and with boldness, without shaking and enough adrenaline to knock a small horse out cold. I can’t do that. I can’t share openly the things that are conflicting, without having a full-blown panic attack, so I have a blog. I write. It’s the only way I can express it all fearlessly.
It makes people uncomfortable to hear about bad events, things, and feelings. I know this because I have been the one to make others uncomfortable when I’ve voiced my concern for something. If they are understanding and open, or if they are immediately offended and can’t hear another’s pain, I know the difference and I know that some are comfortable with openness and some aren’t. Because the Lord lives in me, Christ is implied in all things. I could end every sentence with the word Christ, but that would be obnoxious. I have tried the whole “share my heart, with Christ at the beginning and end of each sentence, and at the core of what I need to express” and if it’s not perfect, if it’s painful, it’s rarely accepted. That’s why I write a blog.
I write a blog so that I can express all of it. The good and the bad, but Christ is at the heart of my intentions. I hope that’s seen in my words. Sometimes I am angry, sometimes I’m reflective, sometimes I am stunned by the Lord. But I don’t have a current Body of Christ in which I can share Him with, so my blogs have become even more frequent. I grappled with taking down yesterday’s blog, because I was hurt with a lie, then I was hurt with being passed over in favor of a better Christian than I, and I truly mean that, she is a much better Christian than me. When I began the blog I promised to share all of it.
Thanks for reading and for being here.