I’ve written it before and I’ll write it again. My all time favorite words to live by are “I did not know that s/he was a Christian, but that doesn’t surprise me.” Me and hubby, we talk a lot of Christ, but our convictions are sinking in a little deeper. Everywhere Christ went, He was Wisdom, but He also did good. Where he taught, he healed and helped people. I think so many have taken that aspect of who He is, and just ran with it. And their lives are devoted to helping people. Awesome. We were once those people and it was truly good. Then we got to know a bigger Lord, much bigger than someone who simply helped people. And we became so consumed with our Lord that even when it came time to help others, we forgot. That part of Him lives in us too.
I’m learning timing on this journey. Not my own hopefully, but the Lord’s. Am I living out His plans and desires? I know that at some point, His plan is for me to be a light, or salt, or Christ to others. I am coming off the heels of a bad bought of depression. I have decided to take my medicine, because I got tired of fighting the urge to off myself several times a day. I began writing good-bye letters and that’s when it became serious that I need to take a pill a day. Agree with it or not, it lets me stop fighting the urge to die so I can see again. It’s beginning to work and I can see out of my own pit enough to know that the Lord has me pained for others. His life needs to shine, outward. Not just in my own family, with my own friends, and my own people. The light needs to shine into darkness otherwise it’s just light in an already lit space.
Not so sure what that looks like yet. We are going to be joining a secular (that means non-Christian) homeschool group because believe it or not, it lines up more with our educational path than the Christian ones do. Plus I’ll be around hippies and I love hippies. On the website there were pics of unschooling, hippie-looking families. They make me happy and I am relaxed around them. The choice was between 3 groups, and we were about to choose. Then I got very depressed and we stopped looking. Now we are back on the homeschool group train. I’ll be joining after Christmas next week. Anyway, maybe that’s where His light will shine.
We plan to visit Grandma’s and Grandpa’s on Christmas day, lots of them under one roof. And bring them cookies and pie. Maybe we’ll go more than only that one special day and that’s where the light goes. I’m just not sure what Christ has for us, for me. But I know it’s time. I’ve had my world rocked by His earth shattering Life when it was revealed to me that His life was inside of me. That means that wherever I go and whatever I do, His life is inside of me. That Life makes me want to seek out others with the Life inside of them too, but no more than it makes me want to seek out people in general. Chris and I are in the middle of a giant upheaval in our Spirits, at the same time! That’s really cool. We are both seeing that Christians are no better than non-Christians and we want to know them all. We visit and “serve” in an institutional church, but it’s not a close-knit group. We don’t have community life with them. We have community life with a random group of people, Christians, and it’s nothing like what I had before. We pretty much had Christian utopia in G-ville. It was all set up and church workers planted the church so the foundation was Christ. The church was going to be a temporary experience at first, as told to me by 5 of the founding families, but the church ended up not being temporary, although most of the originals moved back home. People moved from all over the country to be a part of this grand experience. My husband drove 2 hours each morning to work and 2 hours each evening home from work so that we could live in community life. It was worth each and every penny spent, mile driven, and time apart. We moved because it was time to be a family again. The church was going through a change in seasons and so it was the perfect time to go, but the closeness is something I miss and I don’t know if we’ll ever find again. When we moved we realized that we didn’t miss the meetings, or the doctrine, or the direction the church moved in, we missed the people TREMENDOUSLY. We had fallen in love with those people. And we’ll always hope for something like that again, but doubt we’ll find it. I am writing a book about the spiritual journey that began the day I met the Lord and I realized that each place we go is just absolutely perfect for where we are in our lives. All names and places are changed to protect anonymity. I will guard the integrity of people I meet, always. Sometimes my husband says I am too broad and too many people may think I am writing about them. An experience could have happened 10 years ago, or 2 years ago, I remain vague for the purpose of protection. My writing has helped many people, Christ is glorified. Each person that writes me a private message appreciates the honesty, so I will never take that out.
Wherever we go, people will exist and that’s the great thing about looking for people to share Life with, to share our Lives with (when I capitalize a word that doesn’t normally get capitalized, it’s a word that I am using in place of Christ, but Christ could interchangeably be used). I realized when looking for another organic church that we aren’t meant to do that in this leg of the journey. We have a “church” and it’s institutional, but it affords us the time and the freedom to know Christ in the community and seek Him out in places we wouldn’t go if we didn’t need to. We are free to have our own style and expression of the Lord.
Our Christ wants us, me and Chris, to focus on people. All the people. We are knowing Him inside through each and every moment. Through pain and joy, through each other and the people we meet. My depression was the thing stopping me because I didn’t shower until late in the day and found it hard to get out, but now that I am awakening (actually today is the first good day!), I see the Light, I see that our lives here are not as lonely as I thought because I was looking for something and not Someone. “There’s a life that’s living on the earth today, the Life is Christ and all His own, He’s alive in Spirit, He’s the Life in us, we’re in the Life , we’re on the throne.” A little diddy from a favorite song of ours, that’s my song today. I would have analyzed the heck out of what we’re doing a few years back. Am I supposed to be helping others? Am I just doing good works to please the Lord and not actually living by His life? But now, I don’t really have to ask. I know that the Lord is my Life today and I am going to be happy shining His light on others. And I am happy just to be happy.
Thanks for reading today. And if you’ve stuck with me through my very dark period of depression, thanks for hanging in there. The skies ahead are looking blue and bright!