I’ve gotten myself into the bad habit of staying up late at night. It’s not a conscious choice. My mind seems to be inspired, ready to read, and the house is quiet enough to lead me to spend time seeking the heart of Christ. My main Christian mentor is an author. This is a person I respect greatly. He has proven himself to be true in that his words carry wisdom, weight, and are backed up by the Scripture 100%. I read one of his many books when I am feeling alone or lost. I also like to read the blogs of the men and women in Christ I have grown to respect as elders in my particular spiritual beliefs. I find myself seeking my identity tonight. I want to know the truth about myself. I know that the Lord has died for me and I am a part of His church and I can not be removed from Him. I don’t feel condemnation or anything like that. I am only seeking deeper understanding.
If what Brother Paul says is true and what CHrist says about His church is true, then why am I so alone? My author/mentor, let’s call him Buzz, says that the mind of Christ is discoverable and that He speaks today. To be honest, I am trusting Him on this because I have only seen it in small amounts, in settings dripping with Christ, when His presence is so rich that no one can deny He is speaking to us today. But I have never seen it happen on such a large-scale that we stay connected with Brothers and Sisters in faith. I got in touch with a Sister in Christ last night that I hadn’t spoken to in at least 6 months. It was like I had never been apart from her. There will always be the connection because the thread is Christ. Buzz encourages that the Spirit does not normally take place in a one-time miraculous encounter, but over a lifetime. That explains a lot. I am on the long-term journey in which I am being conformed to Christ’s image by His cross. And so are a lot of other people.
To expect a person to be perfected in this life is just ridiculous. If that were true there would be no hurting, bleeding ex-members of churches all over America wondering why the hell no one will talk to them anymore. Anger and festering resentment plaguing the hearts of those who held Christians to a higher standard, morals-wise and then realized that the atheist down the street was more “Christ-like” than the person professing Christ. I have a long way to go. I would hope that no one would hold me to a higher standard. I am messed up, because I have lived on this fallen earth for more than five minutes, and can admit it. There have been very few times in my walk with the Lord that I have been overcome with prophecy, or teaching, or wisdom from the Lord. In 15 years as a Christian I can count on my hands the number of times that I have had direct Word from the Lord to share. This is different that expressing Christ, I do that all day long. Sometimes the Word is taken and heeded and it was He who was glorified. Other times the gentle wisdom was not accepted, yet still was a cause for change in the Kingdom and still glorified Christ. We know when a prophesy or teaching is true based on Scripture and when it is agreed upon by elders. Solo missions are usually not from the Lord. And just because some people aren’t willing to budge on the matter that there’s no need for the prophesy, doesn’t mean it was wrong. All words from the Lord are truth, and void of personal emotion or agenda. I have felt the burn of being wrong in these times, but I have also been stunned and overtaken by the power of Christ as I was the vessel the words passed through.
None of us are meant to be alone. Not talking about marriage, rather I am talking about other people in the Church. And even if we don’t know every Christian “around”, we are still connected through His blood and His communion. The Holy Spirit has revealed to me, through Buzz and my time alone with Christ, that His job (the Spirit’s) is to reveal Christ, to make Christ known, to glorify Christ, and to make Christ central and supreme in His people. What doesn’t fall under that category? Anything else. That is the standard by which I hold up all my actions, all my words, and all my feelings. It’s a simple way to know what’s the Spirit and what’s not. Has what I’ve done or said been gentle and with the intent of making Christ known unreligously? When I think back to the defining words in my Christian walk I can say yes, without a doubt.
Buzz once said that everything looks different after the resurrection. He was right. Everything is clear, all my missteps in the last 15 years and all my words of wisdom. I have never denounced a person for feeling differently. I expect to agree to disagree because I have many ideas about life, raising kids, birthing, diet, and church, that are out of the norm and so I am prepared to be friends and Sisters with any and all who can accept someone who feels different. There was not always a time I could do that. I have lost good friends because they didn’t like that I felt different from them, but I have kept those who accepted that I am just a girl, who loves the Lord, who wants to see Him glorified, and misses my family dearly. I am not a rebel. I am honest and there’s a huge difference. Sometimes “keeping it real” can be an excuse for rudeness and I have only kept it real twice in this blog once in defence of myself and once in defence of an ill person who was horribly mistreated.
I had a burden on my heart tonight to share all of this. My mom tells me often that I am so hard on myself in my blogs and that she sees me so differently, in a better light than I see myself. Tonight the Lord is allowing me a glimpse of Himself. I see Him in me and I am glad because I don’t have any doubts about the life I’ve lived in Him and the words I’ve said through Him.
Thank you for reading and have a wonderful Sunday! Love you guys:) Jackie
ps I got really really tired writing this and want to sleep so I nixed any editing I might have done had it been daytime. Sorry.