Being content in all things.

My mind is all twisted up this morning. I am having a hard time moving my body and wonder if I have the flu or if the infection from my foot spread to the bone. Either way, I am blogging, setting the boys up with food for the day, and dropping on the couch for the remainder of the day. I am just so tired. Why am I blogging if I am so tired you ask? Well, I am a little upset by something and trying to see it in a better light. I am trying to see the good in others. About 3 years ago when we left the institutional church I joined an organic church facebook group that no one I knew personally had been a part of. (yes, this silly post has to do with facebook) About a year after joining this group I actually got to be a part of a real organic church- look it up, it’s real popular right now. Anyway, just like many of the founding members, some of whom I still talk to today (one I truly count on and call in tough situations), Chris and me were heading in one direction and tired of never seeing each other and the group was headed in a different direction. Nothing bad, just different directions.
After leaving, I noticed that I had drifted from some very sacred personal convictions, which I have written about in my blogging as I have found my way back to these parts of myself. In healing and finding peace with everything, and everyone who dropped me literally overnight, I decided to stop hanging on and hurting myself with remnants of this group. I kept numbers and connections with those who I became friends with, but decided to let go of ties I still had to the past. No one I knew from the group we moved to be a part of had been in this online group and now all of a sudden there are 3 or 4 of them. And they are talking about the group and the members who left. Damn it. I am going to have to drop that group too.
We had no pastor, we had no leaders. We had some founding members who moved, but now only one man seems to speak for the group as he is tied closely with those who started the group. As I try so hard to put the painful parts of my life and my experiences behind me I feel like I am poison to these people. I feel like although many have privately said they felt the same way I did, I was the only one stupid enough to leave and to chronicle my life out of that world. I can’t not write about my life in my blog. I have tried. To be fair, I kept all secrets, names, and dirty laundry off of here because I am not out to ruin anyone else or their group, I just want to heal from my experience. No one knows specifically who I am talking about, and I protect that intentionally. I have tried to keep the blog simply about curriculum. I have tried to keep it about holistic health, but when I am myself and write about my life on here, I get to know others and I need that connection with others.
I logged onto facebook this morning before writing, thinking I had banished all traces of people who could lie or bring up what happened, or be hurtful, but I was dead wrong. Apparently if you leave this group and are hurt, like I was, you get called names. I was hurt that people I shared everything with, only cared because I was in the group. Once I announced we were leaving it was like a gosh darn old-fashoined shunning- with certain members. Now people who can’t call or talk to me because I am poison remember, they read my blog and now I am “disgruntled”. Maybe. I am the only one who has been open about the pain I’ve felt and how I have worked through it piece by piece. Maybe I am disgruntled, but at least I had the balls to leave and actually be honest with myself and the group, by following all the rules in the organic church book(s). Should I truly be disgruntled, I would have shared secrets that would have hurt people and hurt the group, and provided proof. Instead, I kept it about me and my journey here on this blog. And my “disgruntled” blogs happen to be the ones I get the most positive messages and feedback from as others see the Holy Spirit increase as I heal.  
In this facebook group there seems to be a few folks, who I don’t know personally, but they know about my specific group, the one I left (scary) and they are bringing things up that are stinging in my heart. So I must erase my membership from the group, the last thread keeping me hanging on from the crazy, enlightening, healing, hard, painful, journey that was organic church for me. Let them argue and fight for their church. I am for once, very happy to be in an institutional church, where I am fully aware of what’s going on and prepared for it. I know when I leave I’ll only keep a few friends. I know that when I say something “organic churchish” they’ll get mad so I can’t do that. But to be honest, that vocabulary is leaving as I read the Bible more often. I know how to be a friend now. And I know how to take my medication properly so I don’t burn every bridge in my path during my extreme manic depressive phases. I am finally happy. And one of the greatest things I can say about my experience in the organic church is that it brought things, good and bad, out of me that I didn’t know were there. And I had a safe place to work them out, with safe people. Reading fellow Christians write about organic church online and especially knowing a few of them personally, I needed to write. I am happy and feel like I said my peace. Off to erase my membership to the group I joined the week I left institutional church. Kind of sad, but I can’t keep reading damage control jargon over and over again.
I am a healthy, fully functional member of an institutional church and I am just as in love with the Lord as I ever was. I know what to expect and I can love the Lord and express Christ in any church I belong to now. And I still have love for my church people in the OC, especially the ones who answer me late night. You are priceless precious gems in His crown. Have a wonderful day guys,
love,
Jackie

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