After taking care of very sick children all week, guess who’s all better and guess who in bed with a 102.8 fever and a migraine? The kids are better and playing and are pretty loud and I’m the last one to catch the crazy illness that’s taken over our home.. I am not a big fan of tylenol or motrin, but I took them as I would have given my left arm to ease the pain in my head. I figure I have about four good hours before it all wears off and I can’t be anywhere near light again.
This post is a bit different as I am going to get personal about a fear of mine. When I was younger I abused my body horribly. I was a trash can for anything that kept me from being able to feel my feelings. The drug that got me, the drug that saved me and destroyed me was heroin. There was nothing on earth that could take away the pain I felt like heroin could. I have yet to find anything that comes even close. The thing is, Jesus never promised us a life free from pain. Our destiny is not to live a painless existence. I’ve heard youth leaders say that Jesus is the best “high” in the world. They’ve obviously never done heroin. The drugs I used provided a superficial false life and stunted my growth, emotionally and mentally. They took so many good things from my life, including enough money for a home down payment. I hurt people I loved. I stole from them. I missed important events in my life. I lost friends who I loved dearly to this drug. Christ is not a good “high”. Christ is not cheap, superficial, and my relationship with the Lord doesn’t even compare to the addiction that left me strung out and hopeless. The Lord is eternal and never leaves me, not the way heroin did. Another horrid addiction of mine was cigarettes. I smoked a pack a day for 15 years. And now I am suffering some horrible consequences. The abuse of drugs and the use of tobacco is what my post is about today.
Now that you know about my history of abuse, I am going to get to the part that scares me. Someone I knew back in old days died. Of cancer. Years after he got clean. Lately I have been having chest pain. In addition to that I am having a lot of other scary symptoms that point to cancer. It could be a million other things, but my health is failing. In many ways. My body is giving up and I am trying hard to fight, but I just can’t sometimes. Last year I would spend 2 hours on the treadmill and feel amazing and revived afterwards. These days my chest burns after a 20 minute walk. My chronic cough has gotten worse, and now there’s blood in the tissue. I gotta’ be honest, I am scared. On Tuesday I have an appointment to get my chest x-rayed. Lung cancer is a death sentence. If that’s the diagnoses I only have a few years, at most, to raise my kids. When I began to look up my symptoms I got really scared and called my parents. My Dad talked me off the ledge. I don’t care about my life, I’m just not ready to leave my family.
Although it’s probably not the lung cancer, if it is I only have a little bit of time left. What will I do if they find something on Tuesday? I was at the Dr. office yesterday and the x-ray tech said she would be able to let me know right away if they find a mass. What will I do in that pivotal moment when they tell me why I am coughing up blood and always out of breath? Here’s my dream, here’s what I will do…
I want to go on a Disney Cruise with my husband and my kids. W have been lusting after a Disney Cruise for a year now. I sent away for information and received a whole package to help me plan my vacation. I would do that this year.
My kids will be homeschooled, no matter what happens to me. I will plan out the rest of their homeschool education so that they can stay on track with what they’ve been doing. I will continue to give them the foundation in Jesus so that they know that in Him they will never be alone or without Love.
My legacy that I hope to leave is one of truth. I have always been truthful, sometimes to a fault. When everything hangs on a diagnoses, what’s real becomes magnified. All the important things in life become the only things. I don’t care about people pleasing, but instead being true to who I am and what I know. If there’s a chance I will actually be with the Lord soon, what’s right becomes clear real fast. I hope others learn from my mistakes.
The Lord is my strength today. I am extremely weak and in bed and I’m on enough meds to put down a small horse in order to sit up. But with the upcoming test that is looming over me, I am scared and I am looking for an answer. To be honest I have been very sick and tired for a year or so now and it would be a welcome rest to be in the arms of my Lord. I am so tired. I don’t play outside and run around with the kids like I used to. I want to know what’s wrong so I can get better, or just go. Each moment I think of the x-ray my eyes fill with tears and I am so sorry for the horrible way I’ve treated my body. If someone would have told me at 14 that the cigarettes and drugs were going to hurt me later in life I would have flicked ’em off. I was a punk kid. Today I feel decades older than my real age. I eat super-duper healthy and I cleanse each year, but I can’t undo 25 years of garbage sustaining me.
It’s probably nothing. I am sure Tuesday I will log on to say that I have a simple respiratory infection. Either way, I’m prepared for whatever comes our way.
I am having trouble seeing again as the spots have come back so I am going to go. Have a good day guys.