Three Things…

A couple of things going on, some more important than others. But because I have not written about homeschooling, the Lord’s life. or health in a while, here it is…

In about three weeks we begin My Father’s World ECC! I have been waiting to use this program for 4 years now, which was when I first bought the program. I fell in love with everything about this unit study. It’s actually so much more than that, but for all intents and purposes let’s just call it a unit study. I have been easing the kids back into their language arts and math studies over the last couple of weeks and we’ve really enjoyed the one-on-one time together. I have been brushing up on my mommy/guide-to-learning skills and am as prepared as I’ll ever be. Right now I am studying Bloom’s Taxonomy of Thinking Skills and discovering more about what I can do to really fire up their brains this year as well as cognitively and emotionally engage them. There’s one kink in the “plan” and that’s my middle son’s speech therapy needs. We are looking into what’s available to us and how we can have him enrolled in the school and benefit from their special needs program while allowing him to continue on with the homeschool success he’s been having. We are using a tailor-made approach for our son and could not combine it with a public school approach because it is different in every way. In addition, he has not matured emotionally and would be a prime candidate for the firing squad of nasty, hurtful comments. I have seen what bullying can do to kids as my oldest was bullied last year when we were hanging out with kids who were much cooler than us (not meant to be a compliment). So we’ll see how that goes. I am gearing up and very excited for the beginning of our awesome year together and I can’t wait to see what the Lord has in store for a family this next year.

The last year and a half has been one of the more difficult and painful years of our lives. Many things happened and we became stronger and healthier in the process of working through each struggle. My husband and myself had to make some major decisions regarding what we wanted our family values to be at its core. As I dealt with problems fearfully, everything I did and said was being passed down to my kids and shaping their anxiety, fears, and teaching them that being different or needing help is wrong. I have been upset, mad, and confused and on top of feeling broken in His presence. I was angry. It takes hard work to let go of anger. Anyone who says differently has never had to sacrifice everything, because that’s what it takes to accept forgiveness and extend it to others. Doing whatever it takes to change, for me it’s knowing and receiving the Lord’s strength, is what I’ve learned to do. It’s hard to release everything. Not as simple as dying to the urge to be all the things I instinctively want to be as a naturally flawed person (notice I said “be” and not “feel”). Choosing to accept sacrifice has been painful and a process which didn’t happen in one day and is something I have to do on a continual basis. There are traits in which I have laid down and the Lord has replaced His Spirit in their place. I am more relaxed and low-key than I have ever been. It doesn’t bother me to spend the day in a relaxed frame of mind instead of doing or cleaning. I find it beats being stressed out any day of the week and when I am relaxed I am less susceptible to be angry with things and people who would normally make me angry. This trait is from the Lord and I am grateful, but also protective of whatever comes between the atmosphere of acceptance and Love, and my family. A very wise man once taught me that we don’t see anything in others that we can’t recognize in ourselves. I was once a very angry person. I had a lot to be angry about as I was a victim of a violent crime and abuse. It was not my fault, but choosing to stuff those feelings down instead of seeing them for what they were caused me to be mad at the world. I couldn’t go anywhere or do anything without being impatient and angry at everyone. I have to give a shout out to my husband here as he has pointed out to me many times that I was feeling out of control and victimized by the simplest of things… like a driver cutting me off on the road. When I let anything other than Truth dictate the way I feel, I become drawn into the role of the old man, who I no longer have to accept. Also, I am emotional and not afraid of my emotions. They are good and sometimes the Lord allows me to see what’s going on around me through those emotions. Rational emotions are not fight or flight, but instead they are reasonable. Rational thought does not replace severe danger with mildly painful events. That is panic. And panic is not from the Lord. Anxiety is an emotion from negative thinking and in this Christian’s eyes, from the evil one himself. I’ve seen peace stolen and lives ruined by perceived threats that were not serious. I have been this girl and there is no way I am passing this on to my children. I claim the gifts of sound mind and finding the Spirit through doing what is right. My husband and kids come before anyone and anything, including myself. Thank You God.

Finally my health. I am feeling less pain than I have in years, but I still need pain medicine. Once a week I have to contact one of my doctors and let him know if I’ve had any other appointments, gotten any medications prescribed and filled, and have any new symptoms. So Monday I wrote Dr. K and informed of basically nothing since that’s what’s new. He is concerned about the hematoma because it’s still there and the doctor who performed the surgery that caused them isn’t doing more to find out what the deal is other than taking her time to get me what I need. We need to find out what that deal is. This is something that I refuse to accept or live with. It’s the year of health. I am not going to martyr myself and ignore the pain, yet choose to make everyone around me suffer for it. I can’t do laundry, run, mop, or stay on my feet for more than an hour or so without pain. Everyone knows I feel like crap. Without my pain medicine I would not be walking around and even with it I have to be careful. This weekend was supposed to be my first week on my feet getting back to normal life. I have been easing back into “normal life” as I slowly pick up activities like cooking dinner and even a trip to the grocery store, although that was a painful one. A few hours in bed and some medicine is usually enough to have me back on my feet again. The hematoma has forced me to slow down and let messes happen. I am happier altogether with the slower pace in the household. This will be a permanent change. Everyone is happier for it. 🙂

My husband wants his wife back. He spent Father’s Day this year caring for me instead of the other way around. It’s time for this to be over. Thank you for caring for me these last 4 months, babe. I will get better and I will not stop until everything that can be done, will be. So many times I have wanted to moan and complain about the pain, but it’s been your example of sacrifice without complaint that has inspired me. I have a CT scan in 2 hours, an appointment with my pelvic pain doctor on July 3rd, and an appointment with the urologist on July 5th. He will either remove, or reposition my bladder sling, then dilate my bladder. This will be the final step in my path to health. And I’ll be good as new by fall. I hate to even update you all on my abdominal health as it’s been the thorn in my side for years and recently so much has gone into getting me fixed. It’s me, me, and more me. But it’s the reality of my physical health and strongly connected to my heart, mind and soul. It’s also a process that is unbelievably painful, time-consuming, and expensive. Expressing this reality is an important part of why other things are going on. I am going to sign off for now, but I am going to add my “signature” at the bottom for those reading this looking for encouragement and knowledge about chronic pelvic pain. On the site Hystersisters.com we sign our names with the surgeries and conditions we have lived through so others know where we’ve been in our healing journey. Please pm me should you want to talk. I would love to know more, learn from you, and share strength and encouragement.

Have a wonderful day friends.

Love,

Jackie

Essure coil placement June 2008

Tubal Ligation October 2008

TVH, left ovaries and fallopian tubes in, cyctocele repair, mesh bladder sling placement June 2009

Thyroidectomy, goiter and cancer April 2013

Diagnosed with interstitial cystitis and myofascial pain May 2013

Removal of adhesion on large intestine June 3013

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