It’s hard admitting that motherhood is not easy, not always enjoyable, or even unmanageable. One stressful time leads to another and after enough stress, I am an unhappy person. Specifically, an unhappy mom. And then I get angry.
What my boys believe about the world around them will depend on the course charted by me, as not only their mom, but a homeschooler. You know, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to not be religious. It turns me off when creepy false Christianity smiles force Scripture on me instead of Love. I don’t want to present that world to my children. However, I would like them to know faith. Why? Because the world is built on Love and it takes faith to love. Recently I was in an online discussion and it really pushed a button when I commented that I don’t make my children memorize Scripture. A veteran homeschooler was extremely defensive and claimed that she had her children blah, blah, blah, and went on to quote the verses that tell us to bring our children up in the Lord. But the Lord never said to memorize Scripture. He told us to hide the Word in our hearts. When He was slain on a cross, He demolished Old Testament law and became the Word made man. And when He left, He placed His Spirit within us. The Word is hidden in our hearts whether we memorize Scripture or not. It’s not wrong to practice memorizing Scripture. I actually do it myself because I like to. I like beautiful pieces of His words to flow through me during times of trouble. When the kids watch me do this instead of forcing them to do this, it will change their hearts. They won’t be left with Scriptures that didn’t help me when I was in the pit of hell and didn’t know where to go, but they’ll know the living Christ, who does lift me out when I get in the muck and mire.
I realized this past weekend that I have not been a shining beacon of light to my kids, but that I am always angry at them for something. Considering the foundation I am to be laying right now, I feel as though I am failing all the time, due to that anger. I feel exhausted and pressured and overwhelmed and like there are not enough hours in the day. And it has led to impatience and feelings of anger towards my kids. My oldest son was diagnosed with an attention deficit disorder, and hyperactivity beyond “normal little boy” hyper behavior. He has been labeled “bad” and I’ve had parents make comments about my parenting due to Ben’s inability to slow down. He’s like an energizer bunny on crack. His mind is so all over the placed, yet focused intensely on the topics that he’s into. I won’t get into details, but we decided to finally seek help from a psychologist when it began causing things to happen that made Ben feel bad about himself. I have been able to shield him from comments of ignorant people up until now, but I can’t hide from him his own actions that are impulsive and forgetful. Often I have lost my temper and blamed everything going on for my feelings and actions. Even with a child who has real ADHD and a child who has autism that gets worse every year, I have no excuses for behaving badly. I have no excuse for un-gratefulness.
The first step to being a better mom and to stop losing control, and to be more appreciative of my family, and to relieve pressure is to… ready for it?… Quit justifying it. Even if I am stressed out about money and business and kids, they are not in control of my temper and my discontent. We are not responsible for another persons happiness or anger and depression. So I have decided to accept responsibility. My anger is inside of me and couldn’t come out when I feel pressured if it wasn’t there in the first place.
When it became painfully obvious that anger and un-gratefulness were how I felt when I was with my kids all the time, it was as if an anvil hit me upside the head. My Lord, thank You for humbling me at Your throne because now I can grow and change. I am so willing to accept His forgiveness and to ask for help. And p.s., I was still memorizing Scripture even while super-duper angry at everything so that simple act is not a magic bean.
I recently read an article in the October 2013 issue of Homeschool Enrichment magazine this interesting tidbit. “I once asked a group of people who had problems with drugs, ‘How many of you ever yielded to some addiction after getting angry?’ Most hands went up. Once anger is displayed, the walls are down. You are vulnerable.” -Dr. S.M. Davis
The “walls” illustration the good Doctor used come from Prov. 25:28 which says that a person who has no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down and without walls (that was paraphrased). We do have control over our anger. We are not at the mercy of others when it comes to emotions. I can’t blame my situations, my kids, my lack of a “break” for my anger. My anger is a result of not spending enough time with the Lord. My anger is a direct result of not making that time to do what I do when I am alone with God in the Spirit. I read, speak, listen, and write. When I have been with my Heavenly Father I am revived with His mind and His Love and His meekness and patience.
That’s all for today. I would love to write more about how this trickles into homeschooling and what teaching them at home means for the Christian, but maybe another day.
Before I say good-bye, I would just like to add that this is the 12th anniversary of 9/11. Last year I wrote about the memory of the terrorist attacks and the changes it made in our lives, in my family. This year, I want to offer a silent prayer to all those who fought and died and fought and lived. My husband was deployed after that day, as were many others. I am grateful for their service to our country and indebted to the protection they provide for our country. I am so sorry for the men and women who lost their lives that fateful day. You will always be remembered and I will raise up the next generation to know the hardship and courage you faced on that day back in 2001. Rest in Peace.
Thanks for reading guys and have a great day!