in for the kill

Just going to lay it all on the line here… death occurs first in order that life may grow. I didn’t create this magnificent design. It does work, but it’s excruciatingly painful.

The first time I heard this song I really liked the slow bass beat and then the words. Good stuff. Determination. Her realization of need,  her heartache, her depth. And while I find it beautiful, the extreme emotion comes across as something this chick chooses, at first. But she really doesn’t. It’s like her destiny (yup, said it, destiny- hate that word, but it’s the perfect word). The artist is describing her dark abyss in front of her and needing to go, not wanting to go, but wanting to come out alive. It’s a bit of a metaphor for a relationship, with a person, with an addiction, a love and of religion. Desire. It’s all the same.

Yeah, still got a little of that in me.

So the more I grew to love the song, among others of hers, the more I saw myself in that ocean. Let me describe the surface of this sea… when I think about, relive, or actually experienced those years, it was like I started screaming, but nothing passed my lips. For years. And I just kept screaming. I still hear it in my head, and every so often the emotion will pass from my brain and actually make it to my mouth and a heavy pained breathe comes out.

Before I experienced life, which is where I live right now, I experienced death. Loss unimaginable and to even try to blog about it would never do it justice. Here and there I’ve written pieces of pain just because. Just because I couldn’t not write. No one great big thing happened. It was more like years and years of ocean. And just when I thought it was beginning to shallow, it got deeper. I lost so much that I can’t step foot in entire states. The void would swallow me whole. I might never come back. Agony twisted me up more than I thought was humanly possible. I remember walking in circles and mumbling that I would never be okay again. While screaming frantic, raving mad inside my head. I thought I would have to die to escape because no one could ever cross this ocean and get out with their sanity.

Something really intense I learned, is that the ocean represents death. In all of history water represents death and rebirth. One fine day not too many years back I actually went into the ocean and left a piece of me there. It was super-symbolic. I have the other piece of that thing in my home. I died and I live. Only now I have this depth after crossing an ocean. What was I going to do with it? Fill it. With Spirit. My Spirit goes far below the surface because there was a fricken’ grand canyon there. Empty waters.

Had I followed a “better” path, the one I had wanted for myself, the one my family wanted for me, the one that those at my bedside wanted for me. The one that would have been filled with a plan that didn’t require a tour of some very dark years. That one.

Had I lived a life with normal kid stuff from the beginning, and then just gone to college and had the heartaches and the new experiences, and the trial & error, then I would only have myself to boast of. I would talk about youth like it was the good old days instead of the beginning of loss and death, of me. Remember, life comes after death. It’s the great thing about the way this whole Universe works.

So now I have life. A piece of that death is left in the ocean and a piece is always with me. To lose it would be to lose who I am. I need that death to have life, in Spirit and in all Truth.

Normally I try to keep my writing about homeschooling because I have personal journals for this kind of stuff. But several different people in all different places have shaken some of the peace in me. It’s my fault, not theirs. I am a Christian… it was the Him who I fell in love with when I was lost. Some people find God and some find Him through Christ. And some just love without finding, but rather they are found and quietly spread that goodness. So sweet to the Spirit to meet those rare ones. So, in all things I have found that no one can make me feel bad. I do that all on my own. And lately my peace in knowing that the journey is one I was supposed to take, has been disrupted.

My husband helped me see the clarity because I was feeling kinda’ messed up about it. There are many, many people… very kind people and some not so kind… who have lived a life travelling across land and over mountaintops. They got to see different places and they saw the sky from an entirely different perspective. It was the path I thought everyone worth a damn was supposed to take. When only seeing normal life and good life, a hiccup can feel like full-fledged disaster. We know what we’ve been exposed to and as much as I want to share a little bit about what the ocean is actually like, it’s not for everyone to experience. There’s always a risk of never coming out. My mom told me once that names were being crossed off a list and my name is on that list and I needed to get out. I never left the list.  am still on there with all of those crossed out names. Also, even those who took the land route got some broken bones along the way. No one is safe from life, it’s not promised.

It’s offensive to speak about someone who is not here anymore. It honestly makes my want to throw my computer against the door. I guess it’s about reverence. Reverence is not mentioning a person’s name on social media like the fact that their gone is not completely destroying other people. Because every name is a person, who is loved and is missed every &@#$ day. So my new mantra? I am not holding those just starting their journey to a higher standard than their capabilities.

Also, most people don’t know this but,,, wait for it… I’m adopted, whaaat?!? It’s complicated. It wasn’t a straight up adoption, but I was signed away when I was 4 and then I became a Leber. My son is also adopted. I have adoption all over my family. My aunt went through a grueling several year process in which she finally became mommy to three amazing children just this year. Then my husband’s family began the process too. And as I read up on accepting adopted children into the family in this new way,,, they are doing it through a Christian service and saving children from poverty so there’s charity and fundraising involved, which is not what I am used to as far as adoption goes. As I learned more about this kind of adoption and did my research, because I want another baby and wanted to know the deal for any future little ones,  I got very frustrated with the agencies. And what they are putting the adoptive parents through and the kids through and the biological family through. Not that the adoptions I have experiences didn’t have their share of abuse and brutality before the adoption, we were just all fed, so a different kind of poverty. I am learning about the new Evangelical Adoption practices and where they started, who started them, and what they deal is with the agencies. And to be honest, as an adult who was adopted as a child ( and remembers life before the adoption) I couldn’t be more opposed to modern day evangelical practices in this matter. And then I remember the ocean. And then I remember the land. I am grateful to have that depth and knowing that these children will have a depth too. I will be able to relate to them. Their poverty is with food and water, the adoptions in my family began with poverty of a different nature. Both brutal, both devastating. I have very few people to talk to who have known the sea, but I do have many anchors. I have to remember that nothing will happen that does not pass through the journey beforehand.

So there. I have had a lot on my mind. A lot. My heart has been pained. I have mourned the losses of loves, friends, and a child of my own. And I don’t forget one single anniversary, which one just passed recently.

Thankfully we do not get what we deserve. We get life for death. And those who left early on, they are reverenced and live on through us who love them.

Thanks for reading my really necessary blog. Homeschooling has been demanding as of late and I was feeling bad until two days ago. For a month I barely got around, let alone left the house. I am finally feeling a bit better. Here’s to hoping it stays that way.

Have a good one guys,

Love,

Jackie

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