like Bourne

Started scrapbook journaling. Still don’t know what I’m doing and in my first journal it shows, but it’s relaxing and inspiring to write and to try my hand at artistic creativity. About two months ago I took a book making class and it spiraled from there.

Last night as I was working my way through this notebook and the process called journaling (again, writing with drawing, color and embellishment) it was clear… humans are at our core, are self-serving. In general we tend to do what makes us look good, say what makes us sound good, especially when what we are doing is good. It’s our right.

There’s a reason Christ said when we sit ourselves high on that bar stool our reward is in already given to us… to paraphrase. He didn’t say not to tell others the good we are doing so that He can receive credit or glory. He’s already got that. He doesn’t care about getting a pat on the back for what we think we may be doing “for” Him. There’s a reason deeper than originally understood for His wisdom. Like always, He doesn’t just give direction and that’s it. If we dig deep, there’s always gold to be found hidden way in His words. I think He tells us to stop taking credit for how wonderful we are because it’s nothing compared to the Spirit inside. If we would stop being so wonderful, something Divine could come out.

For those of you who have seen the Bourne movies, I see a bit of us in him. I should mention that I’m making my way through the Bourne movies for the third time in a year and a half. I’m drawn to them. I am fascinated with the moment the character becomes more than anything he knew he was. He defends himself with strength he didn’t know he had, but he does these things, these moves, that are a reaction. Instinctive bad a$$, I can do anything, moves that come out from inside of him. A reaction to harm that he didn’t know was there.

I think that our need to tell people what we do, maybe my need to seek attention or glorification, or even defense of myself, is nothing compared to what’s really inside. Should I shut my mouth and stop seeking any kind of glory or recognition, something better could reveal itself.

Worse, it’s been said that by shutting up I am “giving Christ the glory.” The perfect man doesn’t need the glory. He owns the world. He wants the opportunity to live. There is a Spirit inside every human being that has the power to do infinitely more than we know. More than good deeds, more than what I think I am doing for the Lord, more than who I know myself to be. The only thing stopping the Spirit, which is like the killer Bourne instinct, is whatever I think I am. Because I am very small compared to what’s inside.

There’s a weird satisfaction when taking credit for what I do. It’s almost sick really. Helping a person or a country in need with time or money or anything else is like trying to shine during someone else’s miserable time. I have made myself the central figure in someone else’s drama, or need, or crisis, when I’ve helped. Because of that I can recognize it in others too. The quest for purpose comes from serving the pain of others. Nothing to feel proud of. Or even mention. A sense of mission clouds the original need to just love and be loved. When I come back to that, I can’t excuse my missteps as God’s work.

Like Bourne, forget who we are, who I am, and let the strength inside be what it is…

Thanks for reading.

Love,

Jackie

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